bad habits

oh boy i've hit that time of night - facebook stalking all the old flames. must...move...away...from...computer. better than drunk texting at least?

i wonder if the feminists would approve

finally, broke the dry spell. charlie chaplin and I met up briefly a few weeks ago, and again this past weekend. now that I've gotten to know him a little better, he really reminds me of the naked man - specifically, the old money part. normally, I go for your stereotypical tall, dark, and handsome over blonde hair, blue eyed with expensive hobbies and dozens of sperrys, but I do seem to have a slight new englander kick going on.

the interesting thing about this now is that I actually would like to be in a friends with benefits relationship. yes, I know I deserve a slap (or many) for all the previous whining, but I actually think this is what I want -- at least until I reach a very important January milestone. I can't split my attention dating, but who wouldn't have some good ol fashioned fun? 

now I have an interesting dilemma, one I've never had before. how do I communicate that I am ONLY looking for fwb? guys seem to be scared off whenever the subject of "hanging out" comes up, because they think that they are going to get suckered into a relationship, and charlie chaplin is no different. I'm very tempted at this moment, mid-gchat conversation to say - "hey, I have a proposal. wanna be fwb? when I say hang out I really mean hook up." 

I never saw justin timberlake's movie, and I'm thinking that maybe I need to. 

digital dating...?

hm. this is going to sound a little weird but just take it as an indication that we really do live in a digital age... I can't figure out - am I "dating" charlie chaplin?

no, I haven't seen him since halloween, and we still refer to our friends at that party by their costumes when we talk to each other ("I'm going to mexico with matt, the stop sign") but he texts me regularly and calls me 'darling' on gchat. he sends me random emails and asked me to escort him to a restaurant opening last week. and even though we're friends on facebook, I know next to nothing about him - not to mention that I still have my doubts about his sexuality. what is going on?  I'm responding to him because he is a constant source of entertainment, but it feels a little strange. at the end of the day we are really just strangers, and I'm not gen Y enough to be in a virtual relationship.

I'm sure one of these days I will see him again face to face. at that point I think one of two things will happen:

1. we will be drunk and I will go home with him  
2. we will be sober and I will realize he's not straight.  haha. 

in fact, next weekend seems like the perfect opportunity to sort this all out.  I'm hosting a get together at a swanky SOMA bar, and it should be a low pressure event where I won't have to give him my full attention.  but it will also mean that a lot of worlds will be colliding -- aka past flames and hot joes in one room...oh i forgot, story of my life.

the original was a man of few words...mine is a man of few appearances

joke of the day

breaking news. apparently today's joke from charlie chaplin is:  why don't nuns wear bras?

when is this corny harrassment going to end?

coffee prophecy

halloween weekend came and went with plenty of alcohol and crazy homemade costumes, but not much to report on the boy front - except that I met a very tall, dapper, secret-weapon concealing charlie chaplin with a questionable sexuality.  he has been texting me bad jokes all week like "the skeleton wanted to go to the party but had no BODY to go with" and "what do you call a cow in an earthquake?"  I'm starting to think that my suspicions are confirmed.

in other news, the coffee prophecy came true. Folgers and I finally broke the tension in an off-work rendezvous. it was actually one of those situations where imagined that I wanted something to happen before it did, but when the moment came I realized I didn't REALLY want anything to happen, so it was all quite awkward and rude.  I also found out he is the third adopted guy that I have hung out with this year...I swear there must be something about adopted guys having weird insecurities...

anyways, now the witty banter has completely died between me and Folgers.  isn't it funny how once you attain the unattainable, it loses all of its allure?

but don't worry, I have a new crush, and as always, I think he is nicer than the last. we've gone out for a few drinks but I'm not ready to let my guard down.  after all, I'd rather keep the allure going for as long as possible. oh, and did I mention he lives in Seattle? it's like a built-in firewall for bad decisions.

sizzle? more like fizzle.

tabula rasa

i'm proud to say: no more douchebags in the vicinity.

it feels weird.

recon, baby.

FINALLY some excitement and gossip to brighten up the week!  I had my friend do some recon at work and got the full scoop out of Folgers about how he feels about me.  I know in my last post I had said he was incredibly obnoxious and immature, but apparently there is a method to his madness.....

I have been wondering for a while whether there was something there or if it was purely one sided. usually I can get a pretty good read on guys, but with him it's mixed messages all around.  last week we actually spent some time in a really romantic spot overlooking the gorgeous SF skyline and golden gate bridge from treasure island - but it wasn't romantic AT ALL.  he was talking about past relationships and telling me things that were completely TMI - definitely not things you would tell a girl you were interested in.  

this week, people at work started calling us out - Folgers' male manager apparently made a really inappropriate joke about me today...groan.  but luckily with people talking, it gave my friend the perfect excuse to poke and prod, and she found out that: 

he thinks I am "hot, smart, and fun, everything he is looking for", BUT he "doesn't want anything serious, and being in a casual relationship with a co-worker would be messy". also, he was "horny and wanted to make a move at treasure island because the timing seemed perfect", but he apparently has turned over some new leaf where he is able to exercise self control blah blah blah. so him talking to me constantly about other girls - like how he just slept with an ex before he moved here, or about how this girl is likely to jump his bones this weekend - is his way of sabotaging himself into making me not want to date him. wtf?! 

this brings me to the big question that I always end up with: why do I always get the guys who don't want to be serious?  I know all guys are commitment phobes and it's true that I often end up with cocky assholes (Folgers is one of the nicer ones), but this has happened enough times that I'm definitely starting to think it's me.  

one hunch - I'm too independent.  I have a friend who plays the "damsel in distress" card and she finds herself dating multiple men at her beck and call who would happily commit themselves...so she just lets them drag along and do her bidding... 

another hunch - it's unfortunate when guys put you into the "hot" bucket over the cute, pretty, or beautiful bucket.  hot just means they want to objectify and violate you.  the other buckets are much more likely to yield some respect.  

other than that, I'm out of ideas.  I don't think I've given off any "come hither" vibes - if anything I've been sending off mixed signals left and right because one day I think he's an adorable goofball, the next day I think he's an obnoxious pervert. still, I think it's only a matter of time before something happens...I've never been very good at fighting off attraction...

seems that the underlying proposal is always the same

pinching myself

I just got back from Africa. no, actually I got back over a week ago, but I think I've been in denial. it's been hard reconciling this reality with that reality, knowing that both exist.

contributing to the sense of fantasy: one romantic night spent walking the beaches of Zanzibar, one of the most gorgeous places in the world. throw a really cute Zanzibarian boy into the mix...how surreal it is to be walking under the moonlight, holding hands with a stranger, wishing that this night could last a little longer knowing that we might not get tomorrow...

after we parted I thought about how simple life could be. this boy thought in the short hours that he knew me, that I was the one he had been waiting for, said he would miss me dearly and that age was just a number (he was two years younger...seeing a trend?) - to me he was nothing more than an exciting twist to my vacation. more than once I've thought about sending him a letter, but I don't think I could handle merging reality with fantasy.

and yes, reality is finally setting in.

reality check #1: the Folgers verdict has unfolded more quickly than I expected.  add to that list of Cons: foot-in-mouth syndrome, obnoxious and immature once he gets to know you, smokes, and probably has ADD. neeext.

reality check #2: admist the zillions of daily coupon emails, I found this little gem from Breve today: "i was serious about wanting to stay friends, do you want to get lunch?" first, I don't need any pity friendship. second, I don't even know how to be friends with Breve since we never had a friendly relationship in the first place - only a flirtatious one. I am imagining myself talking to him like a friend right now and it's just awkward.

so the email sits in my inbox, and every time I see his name I flinch a little. what to do....on one hand I don't want to blow him off since he's being nice, on the other hand I would rather not subject myself to torture...hmm.

oh zanzibar, oh zanzibar

coffee chat

it's been so long since I've had a real crush. the sense of giddy "can't stop thinking about it" feeling reminds me of school girls doodling names on notebooks. thanks to a side project, my office crush - let's call him Folgers since he's an all american coffee guy - and I see each other almost every day. the strange thing is that I can't completely put my finger on why I like him, yet I can totally see myself with him. in fact, the very first time we met, I was much more interested in another guy in the group and didn't give Folgers a second thought. but like i said, my favorite thing about meeting people is that in that moment, there's no way to tell what role they are going to play in your life.

I've heard people say that men and women can't be friends unless there was some initial attraction one way or the other. not sure if I completely believe that... to me, evaluating guys is a lot like shopping. there's a huge inventory that I hate and would never consider wearing, there's a small handful of items that I absolutely must have, then everything else falls into a grey area that warrants trying on.

with guys, for those that don't fall into the majority "just friends" category immediately, it takes me a while to decide where they fall. the grey area is like a no-man's land, with both parties trying to assess the situation and simultaneously wondering what the other is thinking. just this weekend I hung out with someone who has been in the grey area for a while - we get dinner and hang out alone, we play tennis, we text. after some time, he's finally fallen across the threshold into the friend zone since he's not quite compelling enough (pros: tall, works at a cool start up. cons: pale, not funny). I'm not sure whether he's placed me in a category yet, so now I'm walking on eggshells trying to be his friend, but worried that I'm leading him on.

all this to say - it might be a similarly long journey before I can see where Folgers falls despite my gut wanting to put him into the "absolutely must have" category. so far - pros: manly, great sense of humor, smells nice, hardworking; cons: not thaat cute.  for a girl who lacks patience, it's going to be difficult to play this right.

chai heart coffee

fresh meat

today I felt so gross and uninspired in my outfit. normally i wouldn't give two shits but then I remembered we just got a whole bunch of new analysts... i guess it's partly my cougar instincts kicking in but more so my desire not to get shown up by pretty younger girls in the office. ha ha.

and I have a new office crush! pretty exciting. we'll see if anything happens before I go out of the country though.  this wouldn't be the first time I've been associated with someone at the office (or the second..or third...or...good thing it's a big office).

love letters of great men

carrie is to big as chai tea is to earl grey. we talk about how happy we were then and somehow it makes us more happy now.  i guess i'll never stop loving him, and him me.

i wonder if that's normal for two people who aren't together and know that it's not right to be together...

choose your own [real life] adventure

the passing of time has always been elusive to me – I can never remember whether it was spring or fall, whether I was 18 or 23, whether it was last weekend or three months ago. what my life lacks is markers – something to measure not just the passage of small increments of time, but to denote segments of my life.  some people use seasons (what’s that? it’s 65 degrees in SF every day), others use sporting events (despite my love of tennis I still can’t tell you when the US Open is versus Wimbledon), and the lucky ones get to measure life in semesters and vacations.

I guess what I use are boys…seasons of love, if you will. but I'm starting to realize that putting so much emphasis on boys has really been detracting from time that should be spent on...me. 

here’s the deal. 2011 has been a tumultuous year – I’ve never felt so lost yet had so many options in front of me…my quarter life crisis has been like a choose your own adventure book where every choice is difficult because there is so much on the line. boys have been the distracting options thrown in to delay making any real decision that contributes to progress. 

just imagine:  

it stormed like crazy last night and a giant tree has fallen over, blocking your passage to the golden city where david beckham lives, unicorns exist, and you love your job.  going around the tree is not an option for some reason you will never know, but you can:

1. Dig a tunnel under the tree (7 days)
2. Chop your way through the freaking tree (4.5 days, but you need to make an axe somehow…)
3. Make out with the hot guy traveling with you (as long as you want)
4. Have an orgy with some hot body contestants who live in the tree (well, how much stamina do you have??)

obvious choice here  - 4.  haha just joking. but you get the point. it’s time to stop screwing around and get myself back on track. 

who knew the real life version would be so much scarier?

strangers again

yesterday I was dumped by someone 3 years younger than me. do you know how crappy that feels?! probably not, because no girl in her right mind should date a guy 3 years younger for obvious reasons. what came between us in the end? both number 1 (as you can tell) and number 2 from my previous post.

breve gave me the dignity of telling me in person that it wasn't working. and I agreed - I agreed that things had been rocky (when he tells you he filed your one-liner email into his "to do when i get back from vacation" folder, you know something's up), I agreed that he wanted more (too much) space, I agreed when he said he didn't see it going long-term and didn't want to waste my time, and I even agreed when he said he felt like if we tried to put band-aids on the relationship he would probably end up "using" me (mmm...guilty).  I knew all this, so why didn't I say it first?  why didn't I pull the trigger? and if I had, would I still be feeling so crappy?

the worst part about being dumped in a non-defined relationship is the doubt that's left. questions that you shouldn't be asking yourself but you do anyway, like - did he actually care about me? how much of it was "real"? did I do something wrong? could I have done something differently? am I crazy????

i'm amazed at how difficult it is to find two people so compatible that they want to spend even part of their lives together. when you start a relationship without the benefit of mutual friends or a prior friendship, it's really hard to care about someone else's problems. just like with new friends, in new relationships, it's easy to get along when you know someone at the surface level and all that matters is having fun. after a few months you start living the stressors in each other's lives, and you have to decide if you care enough to take on that burden.

so here we are - strangers again, our lives now not so different from when we met at that start up party. how interesting that someone can step into your life and get to know so much about you - your happiness, your quirks, your setbacks - as your lives revolve around each other...and then in the next moment you don't know if you'll ever see that person again. what a strange and empty feeling.

but even more mysterious is the feeling I get when I meet someone for the first time - not knowing in that instant how our lives will be intertwined - if we will be friends, lovers, or just people who never see each other again.

strangers again, by Wong Fu Productions

honeymoon's over

i don't think it's any surprise that my poor blog has been neglected for the last 3 weeks while my head was in the clouds hanging out with Breve. we've shared a lot of laughs but I think it's safe to say that the honeymoon is over. I guess all couples hit a point where the blinders come off, and as each reveals more about themself to the other, the faults that were cute before become obvious incompatibilities, and the question emerges: how much compromise (sacrifice) are you willing to make?

Breve has a lot of awesome qualities that I'm looking for - he's super smart and funny, very cute (he's left many broken hearts in the world of nerds), and tall. but there are two big things that stand in the way of him becoming my "boyfriend":
(i'm totally living on the edge here because there is a very real risk that he's going to do some ninja programmer thing and find my blog, but I just can't help myself.)

1. His age.  In my last post I claimed I'd gotten over this, but there really are some things that can only come with time.  It must also be that all nerds lack social/emotional intelligence to some degree, and Breve exhibits the deficiencies in a way that makes him seem really immature - like having a 30 year old woman take him clothes shopping and refusing to wear sunscreen.
2. His need for alone time. A lot of it. But he is willing to spend that time with one thing - his computer. I simply don't understand the concept of choosing to spend time in a virtual world over spending time in reality. to be fair everyone gets in that mood where they just want to be alone, but this is a little extreme...i.e. staying up all night just to get enough alone time.

i'm starting to find it hard to take this seriously.  am I just wasting my time?  I still like him a lot but I feel my perception of the relationship evolving.  for now I'll give it a little more time before I start reading through my okcupid inbox again...

nope, not there anymore.

flowchart

okcupid emailed me today with a "flowchart to my heart", for people to see if they have a shot at dating me.  pretty interesting, but it's funny/surprising that the answer to the question "Which makes for a better relationship?" puts you on such different paths.

click the image for an enlarged view into the dating mind of chai.

born this way

I should have known. not only have I liked boys from a very young age, but I've always shown signs of being a natural cougar. case in point: in elementary school, i was a second grader in a combo 1st + 2nd grade class, and hung out with a first grader, Zack, alllll the time. I guess by little kid standards he was as close to a boyfriend as guys could get at that time, given their cooties and all.

I've finally decided to stop fighting my innate cougarness, and it's been about a month now since I started dating PNB #1 - who from now on I'll refer to as Breve since he fits the half-and-half profile. though we're still in the initial treacherous stages when anything can happen and anyone can change their mind with no obligation to the other, we've at least established that 1) we're dating and 2) we're not dating anyone else.

how did Breve go from PNB to PB?  it was a combination of me getting over the fact that he's younger to see his personality (though still not totally over it...some of his friends still have acne, wtf), his persistence (ironically he took my genuine disinterest as a sign of playing hard to get and tried even harder), and situational factors (I was getting sick of the weirdos on okcupid and the douchebags in real life). so far so good...let's see where it goes.

on another note, I have seen Stash 2 weekends in a row now - once while with Breve (at Mayes...I resurrected it from the dead since I thought Breve would fit in with the young crowd). Stash always spots me first, and in the proceeding texts he has apologized for being a dick and invited me over to his place. oh did I mention that I didn't even notice that I received his multiple texts both times until I got home with Breve? boom.

so that's the 3 week update in one post. well except for one more thing...
the 100th anniversary of Bay to Breakers happened on May 15 with as much debauchery and crazy costumes/nakedness as always, even amidst the police threats of stricter regulations and drunk tents. it's the 2nd year in a row that I've ended the day with just me and some guy I didn't know at a Mexican restaurant. but I totally upgraded this year - last year's guy was a chubby, stoned 21 year old who I made out with.  this year's was a private equity older guy (still chubby though), who I managed to dodge make-out attempts from.  yea, B2B is definitely one of those things you have to do a few times to get it right.

mine would say COUGAR

farewell, beloved mayes

alex trebek: Oyster house by day, meat market by night
chai: What is Mayes?

for the last two years, fivespice and I have been regulars at the “club” on polk that makes you feel like Nemo in a shark tank the moment you step through the door. but after one fateful encounter where we arrived too sober, we saw mayes for the hot, grimy, YOUNG joint it really is and struck it from our nightlife list forever.

before we put to rest the place that generated countless crazy nights of sweat transfer, hipsters who lasso you with skull scarves, hapas who pretend not to recognize you after hitting on you last time, and douchebags who play beer pong wearing “Stanford Beirut” t-shirts, fivespice and I have some words of wisdom to share.

allow us to present...

the undeniable signs that you just made out with a 19-year-old 
(yes, we speak from first-hand experience, unfortunately)

1. they dance like no one’s watching...on stage [yea, you know that stage at mayes that is 2 feet wide with a mirror. have you ever seen 5 guys excitedly dancing together on it? we have.]
2. their kisses are less sweet, more slobbery [um, barf]
3. they grab your ass like it's their first time [because it is]
4. they don’t try to go home with you [by now you’ve already made out with them, gotten your ass grabbed, gave them your number, so what’s stopping them from trying to get you in bed? it might be their virginity.]

RIP, mayes.

you've been warned.

well played, roomie

setting: in the elevator, on our way to a club on Saturday night

players: 

• chai - yours truly
• tazo - chai's roommate; blood alcohol level > legal limit 
• Americano - a male friend with whom I once had a sleepover (not widely known); tazo and americano are meeting for the first time 
• Americano's roommate (male)

tazo to americano: So how do you two know each other? (referring to americano's roommate)
americano: We're just friends with benefits (joking) 
tazo: Oh, I was referring to you and your roommate.


ZINGG!!!!

chai: -__-
americano: LOL
americano's roommate: O_O

um, i need this awkward turtle plush, stat

a week of potential non-boyfriends

last week was kindaaa an exciting week.  I felt a spark with not one, not two, but three new boys - either in conversation or on the dance floor. unfortunately, they all fell into the PNB (potential non-boyfriend) category, for various reasons:

PNB #1:  Met on Friday at a start up party. cute, tall, engineer...and 3 years my junior. called me the next day and asked me to dinner, but also called me a puma at some point in the conversation.

PNB #2: Met on Tuesday in the laundry room - a new neighbor, that is. there's undeniable chemistry between us, and I'm impressed by his artistic talents and sense of humor. but then there's also the kid he had out of wedlock who lives somewhere on the east coast...

PNB #3: Met on Thursday at an alumni networking event. Aerospace engineer, currently in business school...with a couple months of legit modeling on the side. Perfect, you say? Yes, he is. and that's exactly why he's a PNB. in the few hours we were standing in that corner chatting away, i noticed the dirty glares of many girls who were waiting their turn (which never came ;). any guy who has girls chasing after him at a networking event would make an awful boyfriend...not to mention he had a severe case of wanderlust. 

aaand I think I just meet PNB #4...over the phone. I had a "phone date" with someone from OK Cupid tonight. I really thought his voice would be deeper, but he turned out sounding like one of my friends who I feel absolutely no attraction to whatsoever...

well, I still have hope that I'll be blogging about PBs soon enough...

i might think twice about carrying this bag around...at least to start-up parties

in the dataset

i find this incredibly interesting: oktrends' new blog post, 10 charts about sex.  quite hilarious, and even more interesting now that I'm on OkCupid and officially represented by those dots.

the line graph under Chart 2 is insightful in a disturbing way, but Chart 9 is my favorite. just ask a potential beau where he went to school and you'll know how many times a week you gotta romp in the sheets to make him happy. good stuff.

worst online dating messages, volume 1

It's been just about a month since I started my adventure in the online dating world.  as expected, the quality of men has not been great since okcupid is equally accessible to everyone (aka free).  I haven't had much time to actively seek out my soul mate, but I have received a number of messages which have provided for quality entertainment these last few weeks.

so for your reading pleasure, I present a sampling of the worst okcupid messages I've received to date.

MARCH 20: trying too hard to match my interests.  ALL of them. 

So you an expert on flute, but not one on memory? It happens... so what type of business do you do?

[chaitea: wtf?! talk about non sequitur]

Like you, I am here to meet new people and see where it can go. I do P90x, so that counts for active doesn't it? But right, I'm resting after a night of P90x, so that's vegging. I don't play tennis well, but I have a racket and can play with you if needed. It's up to you to determine if I'm nerdy enough, funny, and interesting as it's all subjective.

[chaitea: in my profile I say I want to meet someone with an active lifestyle (bonus points for tennis) who also knows how to veg out.  even if you didn't know that this message is awkward as shit]

MARCH 28: just plain freaking creepy
I'd like to make you laugh so I could hear you.

APRIL 8: taking the joke a liiittle too far 

I like suns too. Although I keep my distance. One time a sun tried to hug me, but not wanting to burst into flames I told it to stay away. Our relationship has been strained ever since. I hope you don't get BURNED as I have. (Sorry, couldn't resist :-/)
[chaitea: you really should have]

the good news is, yes I have been on a date from this thing, and it went fine.  the guy was normal, the date was normal, the chemistry level was... normal.  the only thing I gained was a new dealbreaker: just say no to the male cartilage piercing.

maybe I should just dump online dating and meet guys at sports basement instead.

can't wait to read the hilarity that comes in next

benchmarking

today's topic of debate: "what qualifies as a slut?"

clearly, a bit of benchmarking is in order to understand when you surpass the "average" number of partners and start crossing the line into slut-dom.

one quick google search later, I've got articles, research papers, and some sex institute all offering up their definition of what's slutty. and then I found this nifty little invention: the Average Number Of Sexual Partners Calculator. lol. well, better to know sooner rather than later, that's for sure - and if you're too lazy to calculate, the average number of partners for US women is 6.6.

but really...is it just me or does that number seem incredibly low? the calculator doesn't account for city, and I would bet that the average is way higher in San Francisco, which consistently ranks within the top 10 of "best cities for singles". clearly all those small hick towns where people marry their high school sweethearts are lowering the bar for everyone else's slut criteria. and I'm not the only one who thinks the academic research is confounded, these other 20-somethings also beg to differ.

the irony of revenge

aside from my family, there are three people who made me who I am today.

there was lilac, my best friend in elementary and junior high who broke me out of my shy-girl shell. i followed as she ran around barefoot on the hot summer cement, went skinny dipping in the neighbor's pool, and chased boys (literally) at recess.

there was jasper, the first guy who really crushed me and taught me that romance has a lot more shades of grey than what existed in my naive spectrum. after that I decided to spare myself the pain and remove the emotional from physical, and take a kiss as a kiss knowing that tomorrow it would be nothing more than that.

and then there was earl grey. let's just say that chai tea is to earl grey as carrie is to big. i learned that "making love" and "having sex" are in fact not synonyms - but after our relationship ran its course, i reverted back to my post-jasper self.

it's been a while, but I saw jasper yesterday. we ended up dancing together for old times sake, then losing our friends and walking to his place to call a cab. all the while I was thinking to myself how odd it was that I am no longer attracted to this person who once had so much power over me, and how obvious all the reasons are that we weren't right before. yet all the while I still let him make excuses for not calling a cab...until this morning.

i'm sure it was no more than alcohol mixed with bad judgment, but perhaps in some twisted way it was like my revenge.  like saying: look at what you've made me, you can't hurt me anymore...though what I gave up was a lot more than I should have for the objective of revenge. so as I grabbed my things and bolted out the door this morning, I hoped with all my heart he was chilled - hurt, even - by my obvious detachment.

at this point I know you're thinking I'm an idiot. I know I'm not doing myself or womankind any favors by adopting the non-committal carefree male mindset - in fact, it's actions like mine that encourage guys to continue their playing ways. even I am shocked at how the false sense of comfort of lying in jasper's arms didn't faze me at all, when usually around 7am my conscience would start kicking my ass.

with the bittersweet taste of revenge on my tongue, i know that i need to get a new cup of earl grey asap.

romance...now a faded memory

looks really can be deceiving

MY looks, apparently. through online dating it's come to my attention that people have trouble translating the 2D version of me into 3D. my first clue was when a friend of a friend messaged me as though I was a stranger. i didn't think anything of it because I can't even remember if we were formally introduced, but then a few more awkward encounters confirmed my suspicions...

Case 1 - makeout fanatic 
on OKCupid I noticed that a dashing young man had viewed my profile, and naturally returned the favor by checking him out. that night, I head to Pour House on Polk to meet some friends.  the moment i walk in, I notice that the same dude I saw online is literally sitting across the horseshoe-shaped table from me, madly making out with some girl that I assume he was on an OKCupid date with.  arms on legs, mouth on mouth.. i mean, loads of PDA. at one point when he came up for air, there was a brief moment of eye contact, and what I assumed to be a look of awkward recognition.

next day in my inbox there is a message from mr. makeout: "you mentioned you like to go out on Polk in your profile - I wonder if I've seen you before? Where do you like to go?"

are you serious?! so I respond: "Pour House on Friday nights at 11pm, and I sit at the U-shaped table right by the window. On an unrelated note, don't you hate it when people make out in public?"

just kidding...I decided to spare him the embarrassment in case I ever see him again.

Case 2 - tennis fanatic
i received an extremely long message from someone with a blank profile - no info, no pics.  the message got pretty personal about why he thought we were a good match and what he was looking for in his life. he sounded like a decent, though boring, individual, so when I saw the facebook link he included for photos, I obliged.  imagine my surprise to see a friend from school who i had hung out with several times, and had even strung my tennis racket for me.  now imagine the awkward conversation that followed...yea.

so in a quest to make the 3D version of me reconcile in 2D, I asked my mom to help me choose my profile pictures. i showed her loads of photogenic contenders, and to each picture she said "doesn't look like you because... your chin is too pointy, you look like angelina jolie (!?!?!), your head is tilted in a way you don't usually tilt your head....."   

Fine. so be it.  i guess the boys will just be in for a surprise. 

if this were my profile picture it would be more understandable...

in no particular order

blogs are entitled to random posts. here are my top 3 guy turn offs:

• guys who own cats 
• guys who wear black wife beaters (shudder) 
• guys who self proclaim: i'm really funny / i have a sarcastic sense of humor / i can make you laugh - in a message that's completely unhilarious

great, now those are probably the things i'll be dreaming about...goodnight!

mad libs: online dating edition

on day 1 of being on Ok Cupid, I got 2 messages which were strangely similar - to the point where it made me wonder if there was some sort of online dating "template", for these poor schmucks to fill in the blanks.

take a look:

bizarre? naturally i put my googling skills to work and of course, none other than the blog for VH1's the Pickup Artist has a template for an online message which supposedly has an "80% open rate". yea I opened it alright. i even blogged about it, congrats!

seriously, why do so many guys believe in the pickup artist like he's some dating fairy godmother or something??

(don't) show them the goods

I know I've mostly been posting "academia" lately (what, the boob study doesn't count?) but it's been easier to comment on other people's content than write my own in the time I have lately.  

more personal dating stuff to come, but in the meantime there is one more article i'd like to share about why Sex Is Cheap, which shares the common theme of: 

men can't seem to grow up properly in contemporary society, while women try to magnify their feminist side by pretending casual sex means nothing to them, thereby creating a vicious cycle of men taking advantage, women feeling like shit but not admitting it, blah blah blah.

we all know this. what we don't know is what we can do to rectify the situation. so here are some creative (nerdy) solutions contributed by dragonwell* to make the world a better place for the committing folks out there. 

1. Unionize - Women should form unions so that they have more bargaining power. It works for teachers, and it's left the entire country powerless to fight. Of course, this means union women will have to strong-arm non-union women to ensure their market dominance. This could lead to some potential increases in GDP if female strong-arming became a spectator sport that was conducted in kiddie pools of KY jelly.
2. Cocktease 101 - Educate women on how to handle men so that they are continually trying to impress women through self-improvement. If women are empowered, they can exercise restraint better in order to keep the price of sex high. 
3. Crack down on black markets - (Not in the ebony sense.) Black markets arise when artificial market forces such as regulation are employed (e.g. black markets for drugs and guns). Slutty black markets can arise as well, so similar measures should be taken through use of tools such as S.A.R.E. (Sex Abuse Resistance Education) and media (e.g. "this is your brain, this is your brain on sex")
4. Chastity Belts - They were employed with some success to limit both intercourse and self pleasuring. This might effectively impose a tariff on sexual activity. 

there you have it - the recipe for a modern day women's movement. 

take it from me - don't google-image chastity belt if you don't have to.

*name was selected by guest blogger himself, i swear. 

is this for real??

Wow.  my first 3 thoughts while reading this article / watching this video clip:

1. sucks for the 250 men who had to refrain from looking at breasts for FIVE YEARS. 
2. did researchers really use the word "ogle" in their very scientific study? what exactly counts as ogling (the dramatic sunglass tilt as the girl walks by or this perhaps)? 
3. how did they get the women in the video to consent to straight up boob shots...

as though men need more encouragement to act on their primal instincts.  thank god it's coming from fox and not some respectable news channel.

Study: Staring at breasts increases heart health: MyFoxBOSTON.com

let's get virtual

over the weekend Groupon offered a deal for eHarmony, which reminded me that for all the resolutions I've already broken, I can at least keep one:  

Populate my empty OK Cupid profile if I’m still single by March. 

it's about time i give online dating a shot...i think it will encourage me to go on actual dates, as opposed to falling into the unhealthy reverse dating habits i seem to have developed. and by the way, let me just say that the study i conducted on that subject led me to one finding - NO, nothing meaningful can come of it, not advised. (if you're questioning validity, rest assured that my sample size is greater than 1.) unfortunately, facebook tells me that Stash and I will be attending the same party this weekend, and the night could really go a million different ways (should i spill a drink on him, slap him, or knee him in the balls, perhaps?)

anyways i do think i have my work cut out for me in building my OK Cupid profile.  according to the Mathematics of Beauty, the goal should be to get some guys to think i'm ugly, but others to think i'm hot if i want to get more messages... gosh, and this whole time i was worried about being funny.

here we go...as though i'm not already in a relationship with my computer

jack and coke - hot or not?

I lost my go-to bar drink when I realized just how bad vodka red bull (not to mention four loko) is for you. I like tequila, but if that were anyone’s go-to drink they would end up in the hospital by the end of the night. so lately I’ve developed an attachment to jack and coke, but I’m still testing it out before I formally give it my go-to-drink spot since there’s usually some sort of reaction when I order it at the bar…

• Male friend: did you just order a jack and coke? Atta girl!
• Other male friend: did you just order a jack and coke...hm…wow. (completely could not read if this was a positive or negative reaction)
• Bartender: Got the order of jack and coke, and what did YOU want? 

...and various other mutters of surprise in response to ordering jack. so in preparation for the weekend, I need your input to make this very critical go-to drink decision…

when a girl orders a jack and coke, is it:

i may be a little bit off on my proportions

just say it

yes. or no. both are better than not knowing.  not knowing whether to make other dinner plans, not knowing whether to keep saturday free, not knowing whether to change into my pajamas. 

why is it that when the answer is no, guys choose to hit the "ignore" button on the phone?  i know that when you do that it is a conscious decision.  i just don't know why i still buy the excuses i get the next day.  it's the inequality that bothers me and ironically makes me keep thinking of you... that you know something i don't know.  you know the answer is no, yet you're perfectly content to let me hold out hope.  

and the worst part is...i'll probably still buy your excuse tomorrow because i'm not quite ready to give up yet. 

a question we often ask ourselves...

thought I would serve up a little reading for this President's Day.  over the weekend, the Wall Street Journal attempted to answer a question that we've all asked ourselves: where have all the good men gone? 

if you're one of those people who don't like reading the last page of a book first, don't read the except below, which is basically a summary of the answer to this question:

What explains this puerile shallowness? I see it as an expression of our cultural uncertainty about the social role of men. It's been an almost universal rule of civilization that girls became women simply by reaching physical maturity, but boys had to pass a test. They needed to demonstrate courage, physical prowess or mastery of the necessary skills. The goal was to prove their competence as protectors and providers. Today, however, with women moving ahead in our advanced economy, husbands and fathers are now optional, and the qualities of character men once needed to play their roles—fortitude, stoicism, courage, fidelity—are obsolete, even a little embarrassing.

...Relatively affluent, free of family responsibilities, and entertained by an array of media devoted to his every pleasure, the single young man can live in pig heaven—and often does. Women put up with him for a while, but then in fear and disgust either give up on any idea of a husband and kids or just go to a sperm bank and get the DNA without the troublesome man. But these rational choices on the part of women only serve to legitimize men's attachment to the sand box. Why should they grow up? No one needs them anyway. There's nothing they have to do.

so there you have it.  pretty depressing if you ask me.  the article reminds me a bit of the popular NY Times article that came out last summer, about how it's taking longer for us 20-somethings to achieve the "five milestones" that signal adulthood. it's 10 pages long so save that one for when you have some time. 

hmm...now might be a good time to grow up

delta SUCKS

Today I am drunk-blogging from a height of at least 10,000 feet up in the air… oh the wonders of plane wifi!! Why am I drunk? well, the pilot of this shitty DELTA flight apparently was “stuck in traffic” (I bet he was really just with some girl..I saw him when he walked by, he was cute. traffic is everyone’s excuse for a quickie on the job) which resulted in a TWO HOUR flight delay – and let’s just say I am sitting in first class where the alcohol is free, and I had to pass the time somehow. And how I ended up in first class, I still don’t know. Also since I’m flying back from the South, I wonder – if I grew up here, would I be into black men???

Anyways…….

I had written something about flying at an earlier time when I was sober, since I contribute my fair share of being up in the air. I can’t really write anything cohesive now, so I’m just going to copy that here. It’s probably less entertaining than my drunk blogging, but more insightful at least.

------

Hooray for wasting life in planes. Then again, airports and planes always bring so much promise… dapper young traveling business men… any of whom I could be sitting next to… Annnnnd that promise subsides when I see that my seat is snug between an old dude and a fat guy, and both have taken the liberty to use my shared arm rests. Score.

I’m flying Delta, which means that I chose my seat blindly with no preview to my seatmates. Flying Southwest is a different story. Your seat choice is based on impulse when you get on the plane…so that empty seat next to the cute guy – it’s yours. There is a reason why we LUV Southwest.

I, however, have had the unfortunate fate of flying so much that I am A-list status on Southwest. Since I’m always one of the first people on the plane, I face one of two dilemmas:

1. Cute guys haven’t boarded the plane yet, so I don’t get to choose them, they have to choose me. This scenario usually results in loss of self-esteem. 
2. Cute guys have boarded the plane, but with the abundance of aisle and window seats, my agenda becomes way too obvious if I choose the middle seat next to them. Really, how could I justify riding bitch? 

There are clearly a few solutions here – either I could get hotter (simple) or I could forfeit my A-list status (yea right! that bin space is mine, bitch) – but the easiest solution would be for ALL cute guys to sit in the middle seats.

So: If you’re cute, sit in the middle, so I don’t have to choose between you and the window seat - because the window will always win. What’s in it for you? You get to DOUBLE your chances of sitting next to hot girls…….or old dudes and fat men. ;)

view from my window, reminds me of my favorite postal service song -
Everything looks perfect from far away
"Come down now", but we'll stay

-- such great heights

pick your cupid

clever op-art by Ji Lee - original link from the NY Times. my favorite is the hipster cupid (although, do hipsters usually have beards?), with filthy rich coming in close second.

which cupid do you pick?

single, yes - sad, no

I suppose I can’t claim to be a dating blog if I don’t acknowledge Valentine’s Day somehow. so here we go – Happy Valentine’s / Singles’ Awareness Day!

but - I do resent that the love holiday is deemed “S.A.D.” for us singles. our default state, e.g. the way we were born, is single, and we should be happy and content in that state. being in a relationship should deepen that happiness and enrich our lives, but being single should not make us sad. this always makes me think of my friends who are serial monogamists, whose default state is to be in some sort of relationship for the majority of their dating lives, and become lost when they are single because they only know how to function as a two-person entity – now that’s what I think is actually sad.

but back to the point of my post – happy valentine’s day -

if you have a valentine, map your favorite spot together...as for the rest of us, let’s just go beat the crap out of each other at san francisco’s annual valentine’s day pillow fight!!!

tacky, but delicious.

a study in reverse dating

a bit ago i met a guy at Parlor who was both hot and intriguing - let's call him Stash. we exchanged numbers and on friday i got a text that he wanted to hang out.  after failed attempts to meet up at bars and restaurants through the night, i got a late night invitation to "watch a movie" at his place. being the rational person i am, i weighed the pros and cons for the good part of an hour (in a mostly sober state of mind), then decided to drive to the boonies of san francisco at 3AM to take him up on the offer.  (i think the conclusion i finally came to was something along the lines of: i'm gonna go because i can...ooh and then i can blog about it. yea, totally rational i know.) 

so the "movie" was "watched", and needless to say, resolution #2 was broken. Or...was it?  i saw Stash again today and enjoyed getting to know him over lunch.  obviously there isn't much promise for a real connection when you sleep with someone the second time you see them, but since it's convenient, i'll volunteer myself for a case study in reverse dating - to see whether any sort of meaningful friendship / relationship can come out of sleeping with someone first, getting to know them later. hopefully i'm calloused enough that i'll be able to observe objectively and not get hurt by false hope.

this should be fun. 

how to avoid dating jerks

I guess it's too late to add to my list of resolutions now, but I definitely should try to stay away from my male co-workers.  I have so far been romantically linked to four, ranging from 2 years below me to 2 years above me.  that's a pretty good spread I suppose...

anyways, these boys had quite a bit in common:

Pros:

• good looking, each in their own special way 
• tall...6' +, and anyone who is 6 feet tall has potential to become a 666 one day (just need the 6 pack abs, 6 figure salary...easy)

Cons: 

• DOUCHEBAG.

yea, they all treated me like crap in their own special way, and another thing they had in common - they all asked me out for drinks.  so this is what I've learned: if a guy sees you as potential, he'll ask you to coffee, lunch, dinner, jogging, whale watching, etc.  

guys might say that asking you out for a drink just takes the edge off, but trust me, nothing good can come out of that drink... or five.

sorry to say it, but that sweet tea won't make him sweet on you

the most intelligent dating quiz i've ever taken

This just popped up on my twitter from CNN -

Need a break? Today's the Sex and Love Quiz on CNN Challenge. Play now: http://cnnchallenge.com?gid=200 (via @CNNChallenge)

That's some tough love trivia...played a round and got 2/5 questions right, haha.  Well at least I knew what the first condoms were made of!

Ulterior Motive? Always.

chat with fivespice at 4:17 PM
(fivespice is my partner in crime for all things boy related)

chaitea: dude
creepy work guy emailed me random shit again
i’m on the same floor as him…i almost feel obligated to say hi
but i don't really want to
fivespice: no don't give him hope
ct: also, i can't decide if i look cute or ugly today
my outfit is cute
but my hair is ugly
so overall…pretty neutral i guess
fs: HAHA ohhhhh wondering if you look cute before you say hi LOLLLL
ct: hahahahaha i always have an ulterior motive.. of course
fs: i thought you weren't interested!!!!
ct: NO, i'm not! i just want to show him what he's missing! ;)
fs: ....
ct: but clearly, i'm neutral on the cute scale today
so it's not going to work.

22 > 30

Received yetttt another wedding invite from a friend my age. That fact and this song make me nervous:

the naked man

I wake up this morning to find myself lying in my bed (alone), with a pair of men’s socks on my floor.

Rewind…Last night I went to a house party in the Haight.  The moment I stepped into the super-sexy loft, I knew it was a feeding ground for single yuppies.  I was immediately greeted by a man named Dan who looked just like my friend Dan, but with a better haircut.

Me: “Hey! Good to see, you… you look a little different, did you get a haircut? Wait…do I know you??”

Dan: “No…that’s why I was introducing myself.”

Fast forward through several glasses of champagne and conversations with pretentious late-20 year olds (most of whom were ironically unemployed), to me meeting a guy with a name that screams OLD MONEY!  but we’ll call him Bergamot.   Due to his attractiveness on paper (Ivy league school, PhD candidate at a top medical school), I felt obliged to be interested.  

I leave the party with Bergamot and some new friends and end up at Bigfoot Lodge (again) on Polk Street.  After having a Sasquatch which apparently is another term for “straight Whiskey”, I proceed to be walked home by Bergamot… a walk consisting of me actively stopping a fight from breaking out, Bergamot giving me the Blue Steel stare every 5 seconds  (I think he’d been practicing), then removing his shirt somewhere on Van Ness.

We arrive at my door and I make the mistake of letting him come up for a “drink of water”.  2 seconds later I walk into my room with the water and a view of the Naked Man. Damn, too bad I am not in the mood to have sex with a man who is black-out drunk tonight.  So I ask Bergamot to get dressed (not before checking him out though) and leave, mostly because I just washed my sheets today and it was such a freaking annoying task that there was no way I was going to do it again tomorrow.

Memorable lines on his way out:

“Unless you are Christian, I think you are making a really big mistake”

“Well that’s fine then if you are a virgin… I mean I was a virgin until I was 14”

But hey, I give him props for the forethought he put into the night…as he pulled out a pen and a neatly folded piece of notebook paper from his pocket to ask for my number.  Despite that, the last thing I saw from Bergamot was a middle finger before I shut the door in his face. 

vocab lesson

last night I learned about the many different ways to describe male muscle mass...toned, buff, ripped, jacked... and swoll?  If you're wondering what that looks like, go to pay a visit to the resident bigfoot at the Bigfoot Lodge.  Hot stuff.

oh you sexy beast, you

In other news, my co-worker apparently decided that I need to build up some skills if I'm going to fulfill my future as a cougar, and sent me an invite to the World's First Puma Party for Cougars in Training.  I suppose if I win the Miss Bay Area Puma award, I'll have events like this to look forward to once I'm in the big leagues. ;)

watch out, girls...

The creepers in the club are about to get a lot more creepy with some bad dance moves:

you've been warned!

Welcome to Chai Tea Dating, an anonymous blog about dating in San Francisco

I’ve been told that all I think about is relationships.  Well, clearly that’s not true because I also think about prospects, friends with benefits, and all the grey areas you hit before reaching any sort of “relationship” status.  And that’s a lot to think about.   

It’s only a few weeks into 2011 and I’m already feeling great about this year – which is awesome considering that the guys I met in 2010 all fell into 3 categories: douchebags, idiots, and creepers - or some combination of those.

I know I’m cutting it close, but it’s still January and in my book that means there is still time to make resolutions. I’ve learned from the things in 2010 that don’t need to be repeated, like:

·         Trying to seduce a SOBER friend on the dance floor while drunk  

·         Telling an extremely drunk birthday boy that I “don’t do” one night stands and believing him when he said “I don’t either”

·         Coming up with the grandfathering clause* for an easy out

So for 2011, I resolve to:

1.       Only date guys I can actually see myself with...no more thinking he’d be great IF he was funnier/smarter/taller/had more balls

2.       Not have one night stands

3.       Have no more than four drinks in one sitting…which would make me prone to breaking number 2

4.       Portray an image of more “nice”, less  “naughty” (upload FB profile pictures holding puppies instead of holding beer)

5.       Populate my empty OK Cupid profile if I’m still single by March

6.       And lastly… new year, new boys!  Wash those cold teas down the drain.

If you want to keep a resolution, wear it. PJ shirt from Victoria’s Secret. 

Til next time,

chai

*In summer 2010 I made a promise to myself to not make out/hook up with people when I went out -  however, the boys I’d already hooked up with in the past were “grandfathered in” and excluded from the rule. The clause was eventually removed to encourage healthier relationships...quite unsuccessfully.