farewell, beloved mayes

alex trebek: Oyster house by day, meat market by night
chai: What is Mayes?

for the last two years, fivespice and I have been regulars at the “club” on polk that makes you feel like Nemo in a shark tank the moment you step through the door. but after one fateful encounter where we arrived too sober, we saw mayes for the hot, grimy, YOUNG joint it really is and struck it from our nightlife list forever.

before we put to rest the place that generated countless crazy nights of sweat transfer, hipsters who lasso you with skull scarves, hapas who pretend not to recognize you after hitting on you last time, and douchebags who play beer pong wearing “Stanford Beirut” t-shirts, fivespice and I have some words of wisdom to share.

allow us to present...

the undeniable signs that you just made out with a 19-year-old 
(yes, we speak from first-hand experience, unfortunately)

1. they dance like no one’s watching...on stage [yea, you know that stage at mayes that is 2 feet wide with a mirror. have you ever seen 5 guys excitedly dancing together on it? we have.]
2. their kisses are less sweet, more slobbery [um, barf]
3. they grab your ass like it's their first time [because it is]
4. they don’t try to go home with you [by now you’ve already made out with them, gotten your ass grabbed, gave them your number, so what’s stopping them from trying to get you in bed? it might be their virginity.]

RIP, mayes.

you've been warned.