the irony of revenge

aside from my family, there are three people who made me who I am today.

there was lilac, my best friend in elementary and junior high who broke me out of my shy-girl shell. i followed as she ran around barefoot on the hot summer cement, went skinny dipping in the neighbor's pool, and chased boys (literally) at recess.

there was jasper, the first guy who really crushed me and taught me that romance has a lot more shades of grey than what existed in my naive spectrum. after that I decided to spare myself the pain and remove the emotional from physical, and take a kiss as a kiss knowing that tomorrow it would be nothing more than that.

and then there was earl grey. let's just say that chai tea is to earl grey as carrie is to big. i learned that "making love" and "having sex" are in fact not synonyms - but after our relationship ran its course, i reverted back to my post-jasper self.

it's been a while, but I saw jasper yesterday. we ended up dancing together for old times sake, then losing our friends and walking to his place to call a cab. all the while I was thinking to myself how odd it was that I am no longer attracted to this person who once had so much power over me, and how obvious all the reasons are that we weren't right before. yet all the while I still let him make excuses for not calling a cab...until this morning.

i'm sure it was no more than alcohol mixed with bad judgment, but perhaps in some twisted way it was like my revenge.  like saying: look at what you've made me, you can't hurt me anymore...though what I gave up was a lot more than I should have for the objective of revenge. so as I grabbed my things and bolted out the door this morning, I hoped with all my heart he was chilled - hurt, even - by my obvious detachment.

at this point I know you're thinking I'm an idiot. I know I'm not doing myself or womankind any favors by adopting the non-committal carefree male mindset - in fact, it's actions like mine that encourage guys to continue their playing ways. even I am shocked at how the false sense of comfort of lying in jasper's arms didn't faze me at all, when usually around 7am my conscience would start kicking my ass.

with the bittersweet taste of revenge on my tongue, i know that i need to get a new cup of earl grey asap.

romance...now a faded memory