looks really can be deceiving

MY looks, apparently. through online dating it's come to my attention that people have trouble translating the 2D version of me into 3D. my first clue was when a friend of a friend messaged me as though I was a stranger. i didn't think anything of it because I can't even remember if we were formally introduced, but then a few more awkward encounters confirmed my suspicions...

Case 1 - makeout fanatic 
on OKCupid I noticed that a dashing young man had viewed my profile, and naturally returned the favor by checking him out. that night, I head to Pour House on Polk to meet some friends.  the moment i walk in, I notice that the same dude I saw online is literally sitting across the horseshoe-shaped table from me, madly making out with some girl that I assume he was on an OKCupid date with.  arms on legs, mouth on mouth.. i mean, loads of PDA. at one point when he came up for air, there was a brief moment of eye contact, and what I assumed to be a look of awkward recognition.

next day in my inbox there is a message from mr. makeout: "you mentioned you like to go out on Polk in your profile - I wonder if I've seen you before? Where do you like to go?"

are you serious?! so I respond: "Pour House on Friday nights at 11pm, and I sit at the U-shaped table right by the window. On an unrelated note, don't you hate it when people make out in public?"

just kidding...I decided to spare him the embarrassment in case I ever see him again.

Case 2 - tennis fanatic
i received an extremely long message from someone with a blank profile - no info, no pics.  the message got pretty personal about why he thought we were a good match and what he was looking for in his life. he sounded like a decent, though boring, individual, so when I saw the facebook link he included for photos, I obliged.  imagine my surprise to see a friend from school who i had hung out with several times, and had even strung my tennis racket for me.  now imagine the awkward conversation that followed...yea.

so in a quest to make the 3D version of me reconcile in 2D, I asked my mom to help me choose my profile pictures. i showed her loads of photogenic contenders, and to each picture she said "doesn't look like you because... your chin is too pointy, you look like angelina jolie (!?!?!), your head is tilted in a way you don't usually tilt your head....."   

Fine. so be it.  i guess the boys will just be in for a surprise. 

if this were my profile picture it would be more understandable...

in no particular order

blogs are entitled to random posts. here are my top 3 guy turn offs:

• guys who own cats 
• guys who wear black wife beaters (shudder) 
• guys who self proclaim: i'm really funny / i have a sarcastic sense of humor / i can make you laugh - in a message that's completely unhilarious

great, now those are probably the things i'll be dreaming about...goodnight!

mad libs: online dating edition

on day 1 of being on Ok Cupid, I got 2 messages which were strangely similar - to the point where it made me wonder if there was some sort of online dating "template", for these poor schmucks to fill in the blanks.

take a look:

bizarre? naturally i put my googling skills to work and of course, none other than the blog for VH1's the Pickup Artist has a template for an online message which supposedly has an "80% open rate". yea I opened it alright. i even blogged about it, congrats!

seriously, why do so many guys believe in the pickup artist like he's some dating fairy godmother or something??

(don't) show them the goods

I know I've mostly been posting "academia" lately (what, the boob study doesn't count?) but it's been easier to comment on other people's content than write my own in the time I have lately.  

more personal dating stuff to come, but in the meantime there is one more article i'd like to share about why Sex Is Cheap, which shares the common theme of: 

men can't seem to grow up properly in contemporary society, while women try to magnify their feminist side by pretending casual sex means nothing to them, thereby creating a vicious cycle of men taking advantage, women feeling like shit but not admitting it, blah blah blah.

we all know this. what we don't know is what we can do to rectify the situation. so here are some creative (nerdy) solutions contributed by dragonwell* to make the world a better place for the committing folks out there. 

1. Unionize - Women should form unions so that they have more bargaining power. It works for teachers, and it's left the entire country powerless to fight. Of course, this means union women will have to strong-arm non-union women to ensure their market dominance. This could lead to some potential increases in GDP if female strong-arming became a spectator sport that was conducted in kiddie pools of KY jelly.
2. Cocktease 101 - Educate women on how to handle men so that they are continually trying to impress women through self-improvement. If women are empowered, they can exercise restraint better in order to keep the price of sex high. 
3. Crack down on black markets - (Not in the ebony sense.) Black markets arise when artificial market forces such as regulation are employed (e.g. black markets for drugs and guns). Slutty black markets can arise as well, so similar measures should be taken through use of tools such as S.A.R.E. (Sex Abuse Resistance Education) and media (e.g. "this is your brain, this is your brain on sex")
4. Chastity Belts - They were employed with some success to limit both intercourse and self pleasuring. This might effectively impose a tariff on sexual activity. 

there you have it - the recipe for a modern day women's movement. 

take it from me - don't google-image chastity belt if you don't have to.

*name was selected by guest blogger himself, i swear. 

is this for real??

Wow.  my first 3 thoughts while reading this article / watching this video clip:

1. sucks for the 250 men who had to refrain from looking at breasts for FIVE YEARS. 
2. did researchers really use the word "ogle" in their very scientific study? what exactly counts as ogling (the dramatic sunglass tilt as the girl walks by or this perhaps)? 
3. how did they get the women in the video to consent to straight up boob shots...

as though men need more encouragement to act on their primal instincts.  thank god it's coming from fox and not some respectable news channel.

Study: Staring at breasts increases heart health: MyFoxBOSTON.com

let's get virtual

over the weekend Groupon offered a deal for eHarmony, which reminded me that for all the resolutions I've already broken, I can at least keep one:  

Populate my empty OK Cupid profile if I’m still single by March. 

it's about time i give online dating a shot...i think it will encourage me to go on actual dates, as opposed to falling into the unhealthy reverse dating habits i seem to have developed. and by the way, let me just say that the study i conducted on that subject led me to one finding - NO, nothing meaningful can come of it, not advised. (if you're questioning validity, rest assured that my sample size is greater than 1.) unfortunately, facebook tells me that Stash and I will be attending the same party this weekend, and the night could really go a million different ways (should i spill a drink on him, slap him, or knee him in the balls, perhaps?)

anyways i do think i have my work cut out for me in building my OK Cupid profile.  according to the Mathematics of Beauty, the goal should be to get some guys to think i'm ugly, but others to think i'm hot if i want to get more messages... gosh, and this whole time i was worried about being funny.

here we go...as though i'm not already in a relationship with my computer