ex-capades continue

friday. was. awful. at least from about 10:17 PM - 12 AM. and especially at 10:17 when I walked into chambers and immediately witnessed my ex kissing his new girlfriend in such a cute, gleeful way that for a split second I was happy for this adorable couple - until they disbanded and the realization dawned on me. even in the dim lighting there was an unmistakable second where all three of our faces fell. he gave me a flat "hello", she turned away to avoid eye contact, and I muttered "hey" under my breath as I beelined to the bar.

everything that usually works had the reverse effect that night. each drink sharpened my senses to what was going on in the corner with him and her friends. every familiar face that showed up drew more blanks in my mind for conversation. no matter what I did, every fiber of my being was laser-aware of them. I now wished I had taken people's advice to slut it up and bring a super hot fake boyfriend to that damn event. 

yes, I knew they were going to be there, so why did i put myself in this situation? well I wasn't going to let the fact that they were going to this bash stop me from going where all my friends were going to be. how did I know they were going to be there? because that was actually the second time I saw VF that day. at happy hour earlier we even had a one on one conversation that suffered from awkward politeness. 

clearly, I was not the only one who perceived the shift in our relationship and I couldn't help but fall to my old habits of facebook stalking to make sense of things. that's when I noticed that he had removed the old profile photo of us from when we were dating. I thought that was a little strange because I didn't think boys curated their facebooks so meticulously (especially with such an old photo), but then when I stalked further, I realized that every single photo or post that both of us were tagged in was purposefully removed from his timeline.

our relationship, eviscerated. if all you ever knew of us was our facebook presence, you would never know there was an us at all. 

I was utterly confused, and really hurt. I get that you don't want the past following you around, but at the same time, even if things don't work out in the end I still cherish the great times that were had. did it really all mean nothing? 

after thorough over-analysis, I came up with the two most plausible explanations for being wiped out of VF history: 

theory 1: he did it to get over me.

theory 2: he has an evil girlfriend disguised in a cute-girl body who poisons him about what an awful person I am and how much better off he is with her, thus forcing him to remove all reminders of me.  

there's actually quite a bit of evidence to support theory 2. her friends who used to suck up to me looked at me with disdain and gave me attitude on Friday. when I left, I saw his crew shivering in line waiting to get in and realized that she must have some spell over him to convince him to go to the event with just her and her friends while leaving his friends behind. 

regardless of the true reason, I'm now dreading a trip to Seattle that I'd originally planned and looked forward to as a reunion with my past co-workers, including VF. If I can't bear two hours with him, I'm not sure how I can bear two days. 

it's past 4am

After a night of debauchery and hilarity, the roommate and I end up with two accountants at Grubstake. My roommate loves accountants. And speaking Spanish while intoxicated.

We get home at 4am. We feel like we're 20. And then these texts: 

accountant: Hey, you're like one of the coolest girls I've ever met. I want to see u again

chai: Haha I'm flattered. All we did is eat some breakfast at 2 am!

accountant: Yeah but u intrigue me. I'm mad interested in u. 

To be continued after I get some sleep....

order of operations

I haven't been using OkCupid much lately since the emergence of coffee meets bagel and the time-suck of tinder (which this article is spot on about, by the way), but when I'm on there, I use a method called MPAD to filter through the clutter of my inbox:

Message - read the message
Photo - assess all photos
About - skim the profile
Details - judge the facts - height, profession, education, etc.

I would say about 20% of guys only make it to M, 50% make it to MP, 25% make it to MPA, and 5% make it to MPAD. so today when I got an MPAD, I couldn't help but feel a tinge of excitement.

but when I got to D and saw 5'7" and self-described skinny, I reluctantly had to move on. gotta think about the kids.

ex presence

as expected, work boyfriend and I have simmered down the last few weeks. the incessant texts and IMs have finally subsided - what a relief. I was starting to feel like I was in a committed relationship for a minute there. if he didn't live 40 miles away he would qualify as a bootie call for sure (good looking, well equipped) but an hour is just a little too far for a heat of the moment type of thing.

last weekend was my favorite holiday of the year - bay to breakers. I expected to feel physically crappy afterwards but didn't expect to feel emotionally crappy too. while drunkenly flipping through fb photos, I came across a picture of VF dressed up at b2b.

my drunken stream of consciousness (talking to my friend):

Oh yay, VF FINALLY decided to go to bay to breakers! now he'll finally realize how awesome it is, since he refused to go with me last year 

hmm.... what is that a costume of tho .. 

OH ice climbers! that's so perfect b/c he loves playing smash brothers! 

wait... there are two ice climbers in the game, a boy and a girl..... 

WTF. he is wearing a couples costume. he's with that chick from school?! a;ehfahfda;dhfanfdknc.z,cv;aoieja;oe


this...was...a new experience for me. I have never had an ex-boyfriend date someone new before me, or at all, period (I know, it's obviously an unrealistic expectation to hope they are celibate for life). it's not that I wanted him back now or ever, it's that I wanted him to want me. up to about a month ago when I saw him at coachella, I was pretty sure that was true, but now I knew whatever lingerings of me had existed in his psyche had been completely vaporized by that pink ice climber. how much more public with your happy relationship can you get than dressing up in an ice climbers couples costume. god damnit.

and then came the self doubt.. is she prettier than me? is she funnier than me? happier than me? is he happier? is she better in bed (highly doubtful)? does he like her more?

it's been 6 months since we broke up and this is all none of my business, but I don't care.

even though nothing had changed between us, it felt like everything had changed. when we first broke up, I had no problem being friends with him, almost immediately. sure, I was sad for a few days, but since we still really cared about each other, I almost used friendship as an excuse to flirt with him, however messed up that may be. now, I feel like I can't text or IM him without feeling like I've crossed some line into another woman's territory. and if I invite him to go out with our mutual friends, what if he brings her? I almost felt more torn up by the fact that he was seeing someone else than when we actually broke up..

So, I did the only logical thing there was to do. I called my other ex boyfriend, earl grey. my first love, and the one who literally has been celibate since we broke up 4 years ago (trust me on this one).  I didn't catch him on the phone, but did end up meeting up with him in SoCal this weekend.

man, what a sad mess he's become. I still care deeply about him, so the whole time I wavered between wanting to hug him forever and running out the door to escape the stressful and depressing conversation. I think I'm a lot happier now than I'd be if I was still with him. rarely does hindsight play in my favor but in this case I'd say I made the right decision.


So, it seems I've achieved tabula rasa. no more texts from work boyfriend, no more pretending I have some special aura with VF, no more holding out hope that one day I'll end up with earl grey. I'm excited to see what the summer will bring. there have been some interesting matches on tinder for sure...

lunch date fail

A cute guy just approached me at crepe house and asked if I was Dorothy. I should have said yes to spare him the embarrassment and score myself a date with a hot blue-eyed European. Instead now I get to watch him eat lunch/flirt with my Asian look alike (all Asians look alike).

Oh the awkward world of online dating.

guidelines for a non-relationship

where to begin. I guess it's taken me some time to get back into the dating scene since breaking up with VF, but now I'm REALLY back into it. 

additional patterns are starting to emerge in my dating life. not only do I seem to always end up with younger men, but I also inexplicably end up with co-workers, with no intention of it happening. VF wasn't the only person I dated at my last job - counting anyone from the full spectrum of kissing to being in a full-on relationship with, I was involved with 7 co-workers. 

I just started a new job a couple months ago, and the symptoms are re-emerging already. I had a thing for the cute sales guy from day 1 - but his beer belly deterred me from getting too close. Then, 2 weeks ago, a co-worker from my team texted me to meet up at the Make-Out Room in the mission. should I have inferred from the name of the bar his intentions? perhaps. I showed up to the bar thinking it was just an innocent meet up with a cool co-worker who lived in the south bay and never made it to the city, but a few whiskey and tequila shots later, ended up convinced by his friends to take him home because he "makes an awesome breakfast". clearly, I always exercise good judgment. 

we hung out again last weekend at a dance club, and things quickly escalated. all this time we've been IMing at work, texting all night, while acting totally normal at work - maybe stealing a glance across the room once in a while. but we raised enough red flags that one of our co-workers noticed and started grilling us about what was happening, which finally prompted a phone conversation last night: 

chai: so.... what's going on with us? I'm confused. 

work bf: that's a hard question, start with something easier... 

chai: well i'm pretty sure you're on a rebound from your 3-year relationship 

wbf: i'm polish, i don't know what a rebound is

chai: ................

chai: well i think this is a friends with benefits situation, where i'm your bootie call 

wbf: you're too far away to be a bootie call, I'd have to drive an hour 

chai: true.... ok well, I think we have a good thing going, we should just roll with it 

wbf: and you would be ok with that? what if I had come to work after the make-out room and treated you like normal, and didn't talk to you, and acted like nothing had happened? 

chai: honestly, that's what I would have expected, given my experience with all the douchebags out there 

wbf: well, again I'm polish, i don't get the american way of dating

chai: (wtf - maybe I should always date europeans) 

wbf:  ok, so what are the guidelines? 

wait. what? guidelines?

wbf: yea, there have to be some guidelines. like, can you date other people? 

chai: I thought we just agreed it's probably a friends with benefits / bootie call situation, so... yes

wbf: well, I wouldn't want you sleeping with other people

who are you?! 

chai: well i'm not going to go slutting around, but if we're not dating, I don't see what gives you the right to say what I can or can't do....

wbf: well, I don't want to sleep on your pillow and smell some other man's cologne....

chai: well, I can't promise anything. b/c we're not dating. 

haha, to be continued. let's see where this goes. what he doesn't know can't hurt him, right? ;)

PS. if you ever need to test the character of a man, take him to the wreck room. the games create so many dynamics there - competition, team work, overload of testosterone....  that's where I saw the true jerkish colors of the cop after I decided to give him a second chance. 

texting cover-up

where to begin. since my last post, things have taken a turn for the...very interesting.

potential gay boy (aka "prince charming" as dubbed by my friend) and I had been texting since we met up last week. we didn't have any set plans about when to meet up next, but we were keeping the momentum going. Saturday night rolls around, and I end up at a random house party with a few friends, hosted by some dude we just met at Bootie SF a week prior. well what a small city SF really is, because there we run in to not one, but two guys I have previously made out with, including prince charming, who had been so aloof about his weekend plans. and that's where things got weird...as in, way too normal. he was talking to me and my friends, I was talking to him and his friends, but there was zero evidence that any kiss had happened 2 days before.

FINALLY, we were alone in the kitchen. here was our chance to break the normalcy, away from our friends, away from prying eyes. our bodies close...so close that I could feel the heat of our impending kiss.....when he exclaimed: "why don't we go find your roommate?"

wait. what? 

and that's when I realized. the kiss was nothing more than a drunken mistake. one that made him awkward and ashamed. maintaining 2-3 texts a day was a way to keep things normal between us without admitting that the kiss was never supposed to happen. ouch. I'll guess I'll just tell myself that he actually is gay*.

fast forward to Sunday, St. Patrick's day. what do you get when you mix bottomless mimosas, bloody marys, beer, whiskey, and irish car bombs into one 5'2" body? an amazing, drunken Irish holiday. my girlfriend and I made our way from the mission to polk, where we met two interesting (maybe?), cute (I think...) dudes. my guy was a cop (I've never had a cop before!), and he was super sweet, showering me with compliments and telling me that we would go on dates. in my drunken stupor, I kissed him and told him I was happy.

and now, in my sober weekday state, I'm the one maintaining 2-3 texts a day, to keep things normal between us, without admitting that all those kisses were never supposed to happen. this last text though, I haven't yet had the heart to answer... it says: "let's meet up this weekend. Friday or Saturday?"

OH THE IRONY.

*none of my gay sources could confirm this, unfortunately.

what...is...happening???

So I might be dating a potentially gay man. Oh but he is so cute. And his blue eyes.... omg am I Tina Cohen Chang?! But he kissed me first.

the questionable existence of bro code

about a week after VF and I broke up, I noticed that one of his good friends began to make subtle comments that made me scratch my head and wonder if I was reading too much into his flirty texts. over time the comments became less subtle and led me to wonder, does bro code even exist?! i feel like girls usually respect some sort of code, but do men have a rule against dating their friends' women?

so I took a small sampling of guy friends and posed the question. the results I got weren't too assuring:

chai: does bro code exist?

guy friend 1: yes, definitely
guy friend 2: it's just being a good friend?
guy friend 3: I have no idea what that is. Like bros before hos?

without a common understanding of what the bro code is, I'm led to assume that it doesn't exist. what do you think?

ravished...or ravaged?

I realized two things last night: 

1. my tolerance for a sexless life is four months.
2. I do in fact have cougar tendencies, and it's not worth trying to fight them. 

these realizations came about after an extremely awesome set at Bootie SF (gangnam style + harlem shake mashup ftw), where I met a boy who I mistakenly thought was named Sean John. when I turned and saw those blue eyes, I honed in on him like a tracker missile. who cares that my roommate thought he was 18? turns out he was only 5 years younger than me - not so bad after all (though it IS the youngest I've ever dared to venture). 

there are a few downsides to immaturity though. first, he pulled the classic "let me show you my amazing roof and sweep you off your feet with a moonlit kiss" act - I'm sure countless women have seen that very underwhelming roof of his. and second, his bedroom technique was pretty unrefined (hence the title of this post). I did however, um, recommend this book to him, so at least he had that going for him. 

all in all, even though he wasn't particularly tall or buff, I'd say I got a pretty good catch for a one night stand. those bright blue eyes against tan skin and messy brown hair.... might just make me a repeat offender. see you in four months, Sean John.