ex-capades continue

friday. was. awful. at least from about 10:17 PM - 12 AM. and especially at 10:17 when I walked into chambers and immediately witnessed my ex kissing his new girlfriend in such a cute, gleeful way that for a split second I was happy for this adorable couple - until they disbanded and the realization dawned on me. even in the dim lighting there was an unmistakable second where all three of our faces fell. he gave me a flat "hello", she turned away to avoid eye contact, and I muttered "hey" under my breath as I beelined to the bar.

everything that usually works had the reverse effect that night. each drink sharpened my senses to what was going on in the corner with him and her friends. every familiar face that showed up drew more blanks in my mind for conversation. no matter what I did, every fiber of my being was laser-aware of them. I now wished I had taken people's advice to slut it up and bring a super hot fake boyfriend to that damn event. 

yes, I knew they were going to be there, so why did i put myself in this situation? well I wasn't going to let the fact that they were going to this bash stop me from going where all my friends were going to be. how did I know they were going to be there? because that was actually the second time I saw VF that day. at happy hour earlier we even had a one on one conversation that suffered from awkward politeness. 

clearly, I was not the only one who perceived the shift in our relationship and I couldn't help but fall to my old habits of facebook stalking to make sense of things. that's when I noticed that he had removed the old profile photo of us from when we were dating. I thought that was a little strange because I didn't think boys curated their facebooks so meticulously (especially with such an old photo), but then when I stalked further, I realized that every single photo or post that both of us were tagged in was purposefully removed from his timeline.

our relationship, eviscerated. if all you ever knew of us was our facebook presence, you would never know there was an us at all. 

I was utterly confused, and really hurt. I get that you don't want the past following you around, but at the same time, even if things don't work out in the end I still cherish the great times that were had. did it really all mean nothing? 

after thorough over-analysis, I came up with the two most plausible explanations for being wiped out of VF history: 

theory 1: he did it to get over me.

theory 2: he has an evil girlfriend disguised in a cute-girl body who poisons him about what an awful person I am and how much better off he is with her, thus forcing him to remove all reminders of me.  

there's actually quite a bit of evidence to support theory 2. her friends who used to suck up to me looked at me with disdain and gave me attitude on Friday. when I left, I saw his crew shivering in line waiting to get in and realized that she must have some spell over him to convince him to go to the event with just her and her friends while leaving his friends behind. 

regardless of the true reason, I'm now dreading a trip to Seattle that I'd originally planned and looked forward to as a reunion with my past co-workers, including VF. If I can't bear two hours with him, I'm not sure how I can bear two days. 

ex presence

as expected, work boyfriend and I have simmered down the last few weeks. the incessant texts and IMs have finally subsided - what a relief. I was starting to feel like I was in a committed relationship for a minute there. if he didn't live 40 miles away he would qualify as a bootie call for sure (good looking, well equipped) but an hour is just a little too far for a heat of the moment type of thing.

last weekend was my favorite holiday of the year - bay to breakers. I expected to feel physically crappy afterwards but didn't expect to feel emotionally crappy too. while drunkenly flipping through fb photos, I came across a picture of VF dressed up at b2b.

my drunken stream of consciousness (talking to my friend):

Oh yay, VF FINALLY decided to go to bay to breakers! now he'll finally realize how awesome it is, since he refused to go with me last year 

hmm.... what is that a costume of tho .. 

OH ice climbers! that's so perfect b/c he loves playing smash brothers! 

wait... there are two ice climbers in the game, a boy and a girl..... 

WTF. he is wearing a couples costume. he's with that chick from school?! a;ehfahfda;dhfanfdknc.z,cv;aoieja;oe


this...was...a new experience for me. I have never had an ex-boyfriend date someone new before me, or at all, period (I know, it's obviously an unrealistic expectation to hope they are celibate for life). it's not that I wanted him back now or ever, it's that I wanted him to want me. up to about a month ago when I saw him at coachella, I was pretty sure that was true, but now I knew whatever lingerings of me had existed in his psyche had been completely vaporized by that pink ice climber. how much more public with your happy relationship can you get than dressing up in an ice climbers couples costume. god damnit.

and then came the self doubt.. is she prettier than me? is she funnier than me? happier than me? is he happier? is she better in bed (highly doubtful)? does he like her more?

it's been 6 months since we broke up and this is all none of my business, but I don't care.

even though nothing had changed between us, it felt like everything had changed. when we first broke up, I had no problem being friends with him, almost immediately. sure, I was sad for a few days, but since we still really cared about each other, I almost used friendship as an excuse to flirt with him, however messed up that may be. now, I feel like I can't text or IM him without feeling like I've crossed some line into another woman's territory. and if I invite him to go out with our mutual friends, what if he brings her? I almost felt more torn up by the fact that he was seeing someone else than when we actually broke up..

So, I did the only logical thing there was to do. I called my other ex boyfriend, earl grey. my first love, and the one who literally has been celibate since we broke up 4 years ago (trust me on this one).  I didn't catch him on the phone, but did end up meeting up with him in SoCal this weekend.

man, what a sad mess he's become. I still care deeply about him, so the whole time I wavered between wanting to hug him forever and running out the door to escape the stressful and depressing conversation. I think I'm a lot happier now than I'd be if I was still with him. rarely does hindsight play in my favor but in this case I'd say I made the right decision.


So, it seems I've achieved tabula rasa. no more texts from work boyfriend, no more pretending I have some special aura with VF, no more holding out hope that one day I'll end up with earl grey. I'm excited to see what the summer will bring. there have been some interesting matches on tinder for sure...