ex presence

as expected, work boyfriend and I have simmered down the last few weeks. the incessant texts and IMs have finally subsided - what a relief. I was starting to feel like I was in a committed relationship for a minute there. if he didn't live 40 miles away he would qualify as a bootie call for sure (good looking, well equipped) but an hour is just a little too far for a heat of the moment type of thing.

last weekend was my favorite holiday of the year - bay to breakers. I expected to feel physically crappy afterwards but didn't expect to feel emotionally crappy too. while drunkenly flipping through fb photos, I came across a picture of VF dressed up at b2b.

my drunken stream of consciousness (talking to my friend):

Oh yay, VF FINALLY decided to go to bay to breakers! now he'll finally realize how awesome it is, since he refused to go with me last year 

hmm.... what is that a costume of tho .. 

OH ice climbers! that's so perfect b/c he loves playing smash brothers! 

wait... there are two ice climbers in the game, a boy and a girl..... 

WTF. he is wearing a couples costume. he's with that chick from school?! a;ehfahfda;dhfanfdknc.z,cv;aoieja;oe


this...was...a new experience for me. I have never had an ex-boyfriend date someone new before me, or at all, period (I know, it's obviously an unrealistic expectation to hope they are celibate for life). it's not that I wanted him back now or ever, it's that I wanted him to want me. up to about a month ago when I saw him at coachella, I was pretty sure that was true, but now I knew whatever lingerings of me had existed in his psyche had been completely vaporized by that pink ice climber. how much more public with your happy relationship can you get than dressing up in an ice climbers couples costume. god damnit.

and then came the self doubt.. is she prettier than me? is she funnier than me? happier than me? is he happier? is she better in bed (highly doubtful)? does he like her more?

it's been 6 months since we broke up and this is all none of my business, but I don't care.

even though nothing had changed between us, it felt like everything had changed. when we first broke up, I had no problem being friends with him, almost immediately. sure, I was sad for a few days, but since we still really cared about each other, I almost used friendship as an excuse to flirt with him, however messed up that may be. now, I feel like I can't text or IM him without feeling like I've crossed some line into another woman's territory. and if I invite him to go out with our mutual friends, what if he brings her? I almost felt more torn up by the fact that he was seeing someone else than when we actually broke up..

So, I did the only logical thing there was to do. I called my other ex boyfriend, earl grey. my first love, and the one who literally has been celibate since we broke up 4 years ago (trust me on this one).  I didn't catch him on the phone, but did end up meeting up with him in SoCal this weekend.

man, what a sad mess he's become. I still care deeply about him, so the whole time I wavered between wanting to hug him forever and running out the door to escape the stressful and depressing conversation. I think I'm a lot happier now than I'd be if I was still with him. rarely does hindsight play in my favor but in this case I'd say I made the right decision.


So, it seems I've achieved tabula rasa. no more texts from work boyfriend, no more pretending I have some special aura with VF, no more holding out hope that one day I'll end up with earl grey. I'm excited to see what the summer will bring. there have been some interesting matches on tinder for sure...