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I've been thinking for a while about how to recap my recent dating activity, and finally realized it can all be summed up with one theme: commoditized dating. probably the most notorious evidence of this can be seen in online dating - "giving" away unwanted matches to your friends on coffee meets bagel practically turns men into trading cards, and "liking" photo after photo on tinder makes it hard to keep track of which Matt or John you're messaging with today.

The title of this post is not for lack of a title, but rather that the men in my life have been commoditized to a point that they are mostly placeholders - guys I keep around for companionship and entertainment until someone better comes along. before I elaborate, I should also mention a second theme in my dating life: I can't stop dating co-workers. No, I'm not referring to work boyfriend, but a new, improved model who my friends and I have aptly dubbed "wbf2", or work boyfriend 2.

wbf2 is smarter, more ambitious, and funnier with more in common with me, but on the physical scale he's a bit of a hairy beast (though still over 6 feet with a fairly nice body). like the original, wbf2 is also foreign, but seems to have acclimated to the american way of dating, despite his claims of hating how casual it is.

in fact, our office tension broke about a month ago in the most casual way possible - through a drunken hookup after a night out. the events that followed reminded me only too much of another office romance where I asked for my caught-in-the-middle friend to conduct some recon. literally almost word for word to the Folgers situation, wbf2 described me as "smart, cool, and very pretty" but "didn't want a relationship", noting excuses about not wanting to date co-workers, not being sure how long he's going to stay in the states, (and after that all I heard was blah blah blah).

so I heeded his warnings and wishes to remain single and kept a distance from him at work and outside of work. that is, until last weekend when we took a work trip together to Seattle. sunshine, alcohol, views of the pacific northwest and a shared hotel made for quite the weekend, ahem.

ever since then, we seem to have been in some sort of relationship limbo - not quite friends with benefits because we both sense there is something deeper, but definitely no where near relationship status.*

we are simply placeholders. 

now this is not my first or even second attempt at reverse dating, so if placeholder does end up being synonymous with friends with benefits, I think I can be ok with that. for now.

*he even tried to sabotage himself just like Folgers by telling me about all the other women in his life, and how I didn't want to date him because his ex might be visiting (so clearly, this means they are going to hook up, well why not). the excuses were all too familiar - but they did prompt me to tell him about the accountant I had been seeing every so often. I felt bad at first for two-timing but when I heard about the women in his life, I felt like I should have been three- or four- timing to even the field.

guidelines for a non-relationship

where to begin. I guess it's taken me some time to get back into the dating scene since breaking up with VF, but now I'm REALLY back into it. 

additional patterns are starting to emerge in my dating life. not only do I seem to always end up with younger men, but I also inexplicably end up with co-workers, with no intention of it happening. VF wasn't the only person I dated at my last job - counting anyone from the full spectrum of kissing to being in a full-on relationship with, I was involved with 7 co-workers. 

I just started a new job a couple months ago, and the symptoms are re-emerging already. I had a thing for the cute sales guy from day 1 - but his beer belly deterred me from getting too close. Then, 2 weeks ago, a co-worker from my team texted me to meet up at the Make-Out Room in the mission. should I have inferred from the name of the bar his intentions? perhaps. I showed up to the bar thinking it was just an innocent meet up with a cool co-worker who lived in the south bay and never made it to the city, but a few whiskey and tequila shots later, ended up convinced by his friends to take him home because he "makes an awesome breakfast". clearly, I always exercise good judgment. 

we hung out again last weekend at a dance club, and things quickly escalated. all this time we've been IMing at work, texting all night, while acting totally normal at work - maybe stealing a glance across the room once in a while. but we raised enough red flags that one of our co-workers noticed and started grilling us about what was happening, which finally prompted a phone conversation last night: 

chai: so.... what's going on with us? I'm confused. 

work bf: that's a hard question, start with something easier... 

chai: well i'm pretty sure you're on a rebound from your 3-year relationship 

wbf: i'm polish, i don't know what a rebound is

chai: ................

chai: well i think this is a friends with benefits situation, where i'm your bootie call 

wbf: you're too far away to be a bootie call, I'd have to drive an hour 

chai: true.... ok well, I think we have a good thing going, we should just roll with it 

wbf: and you would be ok with that? what if I had come to work after the make-out room and treated you like normal, and didn't talk to you, and acted like nothing had happened? 

chai: honestly, that's what I would have expected, given my experience with all the douchebags out there 

wbf: well, again I'm polish, i don't get the american way of dating

chai: (wtf - maybe I should always date europeans) 

wbf:  ok, so what are the guidelines? 

wait. what? guidelines?

wbf: yea, there have to be some guidelines. like, can you date other people? 

chai: I thought we just agreed it's probably a friends with benefits / bootie call situation, so... yes

wbf: well, I wouldn't want you sleeping with other people

who are you?! 

chai: well i'm not going to go slutting around, but if we're not dating, I don't see what gives you the right to say what I can or can't do....

wbf: well, I don't want to sleep on your pillow and smell some other man's cologne....

chai: well, I can't promise anything. b/c we're not dating. 

haha, to be continued. let's see where this goes. what he doesn't know can't hurt him, right? ;)

PS. if you ever need to test the character of a man, take him to the wreck room. the games create so many dynamics there - competition, team work, overload of testosterone....  that's where I saw the true jerkish colors of the cop after I decided to give him a second chance.