recon, baby.

FINALLY some excitement and gossip to brighten up the week!  I had my friend do some recon at work and got the full scoop out of Folgers about how he feels about me.  I know in my last post I had said he was incredibly obnoxious and immature, but apparently there is a method to his madness.....

I have been wondering for a while whether there was something there or if it was purely one sided. usually I can get a pretty good read on guys, but with him it's mixed messages all around.  last week we actually spent some time in a really romantic spot overlooking the gorgeous SF skyline and golden gate bridge from treasure island - but it wasn't romantic AT ALL.  he was talking about past relationships and telling me things that were completely TMI - definitely not things you would tell a girl you were interested in.  

this week, people at work started calling us out - Folgers' male manager apparently made a really inappropriate joke about me today...groan.  but luckily with people talking, it gave my friend the perfect excuse to poke and prod, and she found out that: 

he thinks I am "hot, smart, and fun, everything he is looking for", BUT he "doesn't want anything serious, and being in a casual relationship with a co-worker would be messy". also, he was "horny and wanted to make a move at treasure island because the timing seemed perfect", but he apparently has turned over some new leaf where he is able to exercise self control blah blah blah. so him talking to me constantly about other girls - like how he just slept with an ex before he moved here, or about how this girl is likely to jump his bones this weekend - is his way of sabotaging himself into making me not want to date him. wtf?! 

this brings me to the big question that I always end up with: why do I always get the guys who don't want to be serious?  I know all guys are commitment phobes and it's true that I often end up with cocky assholes (Folgers is one of the nicer ones), but this has happened enough times that I'm definitely starting to think it's me.  

one hunch - I'm too independent.  I have a friend who plays the "damsel in distress" card and she finds herself dating multiple men at her beck and call who would happily commit themselves...so she just lets them drag along and do her bidding... 

another hunch - it's unfortunate when guys put you into the "hot" bucket over the cute, pretty, or beautiful bucket.  hot just means they want to objectify and violate you.  the other buckets are much more likely to yield some respect.  

other than that, I'm out of ideas.  I don't think I've given off any "come hither" vibes - if anything I've been sending off mixed signals left and right because one day I think he's an adorable goofball, the next day I think he's an obnoxious pervert. still, I think it's only a matter of time before something happens...I've never been very good at fighting off attraction...

seems that the underlying proposal is always the same

pinching myself

I just got back from Africa. no, actually I got back over a week ago, but I think I've been in denial. it's been hard reconciling this reality with that reality, knowing that both exist.

contributing to the sense of fantasy: one romantic night spent walking the beaches of Zanzibar, one of the most gorgeous places in the world. throw a really cute Zanzibarian boy into the mix...how surreal it is to be walking under the moonlight, holding hands with a stranger, wishing that this night could last a little longer knowing that we might not get tomorrow...

after we parted I thought about how simple life could be. this boy thought in the short hours that he knew me, that I was the one he had been waiting for, said he would miss me dearly and that age was just a number (he was two years younger...seeing a trend?) - to me he was nothing more than an exciting twist to my vacation. more than once I've thought about sending him a letter, but I don't think I could handle merging reality with fantasy.

and yes, reality is finally setting in.

reality check #1: the Folgers verdict has unfolded more quickly than I expected.  add to that list of Cons: foot-in-mouth syndrome, obnoxious and immature once he gets to know you, smokes, and probably has ADD. neeext.

reality check #2: admist the zillions of daily coupon emails, I found this little gem from Breve today: "i was serious about wanting to stay friends, do you want to get lunch?" first, I don't need any pity friendship. second, I don't even know how to be friends with Breve since we never had a friendly relationship in the first place - only a flirtatious one. I am imagining myself talking to him like a friend right now and it's just awkward.

so the email sits in my inbox, and every time I see his name I flinch a little. what to do....on one hand I don't want to blow him off since he's being nice, on the other hand I would rather not subject myself to torture...hmm.

oh zanzibar, oh zanzibar