strangers again

yesterday I was dumped by someone 3 years younger than me. do you know how crappy that feels?! probably not, because no girl in her right mind should date a guy 3 years younger for obvious reasons. what came between us in the end? both number 1 (as you can tell) and number 2 from my previous post.

breve gave me the dignity of telling me in person that it wasn't working. and I agreed - I agreed that things had been rocky (when he tells you he filed your one-liner email into his "to do when i get back from vacation" folder, you know something's up), I agreed that he wanted more (too much) space, I agreed when he said he didn't see it going long-term and didn't want to waste my time, and I even agreed when he said he felt like if we tried to put band-aids on the relationship he would probably end up "using" me (mmm...guilty).  I knew all this, so why didn't I say it first?  why didn't I pull the trigger? and if I had, would I still be feeling so crappy?

the worst part about being dumped in a non-defined relationship is the doubt that's left. questions that you shouldn't be asking yourself but you do anyway, like - did he actually care about me? how much of it was "real"? did I do something wrong? could I have done something differently? am I crazy????

i'm amazed at how difficult it is to find two people so compatible that they want to spend even part of their lives together. when you start a relationship without the benefit of mutual friends or a prior friendship, it's really hard to care about someone else's problems. just like with new friends, in new relationships, it's easy to get along when you know someone at the surface level and all that matters is having fun. after a few months you start living the stressors in each other's lives, and you have to decide if you care enough to take on that burden.

so here we are - strangers again, our lives now not so different from when we met at that start up party. how interesting that someone can step into your life and get to know so much about you - your happiness, your quirks, your setbacks - as your lives revolve around each other...and then in the next moment you don't know if you'll ever see that person again. what a strange and empty feeling.

but even more mysterious is the feeling I get when I meet someone for the first time - not knowing in that instant how our lives will be intertwined - if we will be friends, lovers, or just people who never see each other again.

strangers again, by Wong Fu Productions

honeymoon's over

i don't think it's any surprise that my poor blog has been neglected for the last 3 weeks while my head was in the clouds hanging out with Breve. we've shared a lot of laughs but I think it's safe to say that the honeymoon is over. I guess all couples hit a point where the blinders come off, and as each reveals more about themself to the other, the faults that were cute before become obvious incompatibilities, and the question emerges: how much compromise (sacrifice) are you willing to make?

Breve has a lot of awesome qualities that I'm looking for - he's super smart and funny, very cute (he's left many broken hearts in the world of nerds), and tall. but there are two big things that stand in the way of him becoming my "boyfriend":
(i'm totally living on the edge here because there is a very real risk that he's going to do some ninja programmer thing and find my blog, but I just can't help myself.)

1. His age.  In my last post I claimed I'd gotten over this, but there really are some things that can only come with time.  It must also be that all nerds lack social/emotional intelligence to some degree, and Breve exhibits the deficiencies in a way that makes him seem really immature - like having a 30 year old woman take him clothes shopping and refusing to wear sunscreen.
2. His need for alone time. A lot of it. But he is willing to spend that time with one thing - his computer. I simply don't understand the concept of choosing to spend time in a virtual world over spending time in reality. to be fair everyone gets in that mood where they just want to be alone, but this is a little extreme...i.e. staying up all night just to get enough alone time.

i'm starting to find it hard to take this seriously.  am I just wasting my time?  I still like him a lot but I feel my perception of the relationship evolving.  for now I'll give it a little more time before I start reading through my okcupid inbox again...

nope, not there anymore.

flowchart

okcupid emailed me today with a "flowchart to my heart", for people to see if they have a shot at dating me.  pretty interesting, but it's funny/surprising that the answer to the question "Which makes for a better relationship?" puts you on such different paths.

click the image for an enlarged view into the dating mind of chai.

born this way

I should have known. not only have I liked boys from a very young age, but I've always shown signs of being a natural cougar. case in point: in elementary school, i was a second grader in a combo 1st + 2nd grade class, and hung out with a first grader, Zack, alllll the time. I guess by little kid standards he was as close to a boyfriend as guys could get at that time, given their cooties and all.

I've finally decided to stop fighting my innate cougarness, and it's been about a month now since I started dating PNB #1 - who from now on I'll refer to as Breve since he fits the half-and-half profile. though we're still in the initial treacherous stages when anything can happen and anyone can change their mind with no obligation to the other, we've at least established that 1) we're dating and 2) we're not dating anyone else.

how did Breve go from PNB to PB?  it was a combination of me getting over the fact that he's younger to see his personality (though still not totally over it...some of his friends still have acne, wtf), his persistence (ironically he took my genuine disinterest as a sign of playing hard to get and tried even harder), and situational factors (I was getting sick of the weirdos on okcupid and the douchebags in real life). so far so good...let's see where it goes.

on another note, I have seen Stash 2 weekends in a row now - once while with Breve (at Mayes...I resurrected it from the dead since I thought Breve would fit in with the young crowd). Stash always spots me first, and in the proceeding texts he has apologized for being a dick and invited me over to his place. oh did I mention that I didn't even notice that I received his multiple texts both times until I got home with Breve? boom.

so that's the 3 week update in one post. well except for one more thing...
the 100th anniversary of Bay to Breakers happened on May 15 with as much debauchery and crazy costumes/nakedness as always, even amidst the police threats of stricter regulations and drunk tents. it's the 2nd year in a row that I've ended the day with just me and some guy I didn't know at a Mexican restaurant. but I totally upgraded this year - last year's guy was a chubby, stoned 21 year old who I made out with.  this year's was a private equity older guy (still chubby though), who I managed to dodge make-out attempts from.  yea, B2B is definitely one of those things you have to do a few times to get it right.

mine would say COUGAR

farewell, beloved mayes

alex trebek: Oyster house by day, meat market by night
chai: What is Mayes?

for the last two years, fivespice and I have been regulars at the “club” on polk that makes you feel like Nemo in a shark tank the moment you step through the door. but after one fateful encounter where we arrived too sober, we saw mayes for the hot, grimy, YOUNG joint it really is and struck it from our nightlife list forever.

before we put to rest the place that generated countless crazy nights of sweat transfer, hipsters who lasso you with skull scarves, hapas who pretend not to recognize you after hitting on you last time, and douchebags who play beer pong wearing “Stanford Beirut” t-shirts, fivespice and I have some words of wisdom to share.

allow us to present...

the undeniable signs that you just made out with a 19-year-old 
(yes, we speak from first-hand experience, unfortunately)

1. they dance like no one’s watching...on stage [yea, you know that stage at mayes that is 2 feet wide with a mirror. have you ever seen 5 guys excitedly dancing together on it? we have.]
2. their kisses are less sweet, more slobbery [um, barf]
3. they grab your ass like it's their first time [because it is]
4. they don’t try to go home with you [by now you’ve already made out with them, gotten your ass grabbed, gave them your number, so what’s stopping them from trying to get you in bed? it might be their virginity.]

RIP, mayes.

you've been warned.

well played, roomie

setting: in the elevator, on our way to a club on Saturday night

players: 

• chai - yours truly
• tazo - chai's roommate; blood alcohol level > legal limit 
• Americano - a male friend with whom I once had a sleepover (not widely known); tazo and americano are meeting for the first time 
• Americano's roommate (male)

tazo to americano: So how do you two know each other? (referring to americano's roommate)
americano: We're just friends with benefits (joking) 
tazo: Oh, I was referring to you and your roommate.


ZINGG!!!!

chai: -__-
americano: LOL
americano's roommate: O_O

um, i need this awkward turtle plush, stat

a week of potential non-boyfriends

last week was kindaaa an exciting week.  I felt a spark with not one, not two, but three new boys - either in conversation or on the dance floor. unfortunately, they all fell into the PNB (potential non-boyfriend) category, for various reasons:

PNB #1:  Met on Friday at a start up party. cute, tall, engineer...and 3 years my junior. called me the next day and asked me to dinner, but also called me a puma at some point in the conversation.

PNB #2: Met on Tuesday in the laundry room - a new neighbor, that is. there's undeniable chemistry between us, and I'm impressed by his artistic talents and sense of humor. but then there's also the kid he had out of wedlock who lives somewhere on the east coast...

PNB #3: Met on Thursday at an alumni networking event. Aerospace engineer, currently in business school...with a couple months of legit modeling on the side. Perfect, you say? Yes, he is. and that's exactly why he's a PNB. in the few hours we were standing in that corner chatting away, i noticed the dirty glares of many girls who were waiting their turn (which never came ;). any guy who has girls chasing after him at a networking event would make an awful boyfriend...not to mention he had a severe case of wanderlust. 

aaand I think I just meet PNB #4...over the phone. I had a "phone date" with someone from OK Cupid tonight. I really thought his voice would be deeper, but he turned out sounding like one of my friends who I feel absolutely no attraction to whatsoever...

well, I still have hope that I'll be blogging about PBs soon enough...

i might think twice about carrying this bag around...at least to start-up parties

in the dataset

i find this incredibly interesting: oktrends' new blog post, 10 charts about sex.  quite hilarious, and even more interesting now that I'm on OkCupid and officially represented by those dots.

the line graph under Chart 2 is insightful in a disturbing way, but Chart 9 is my favorite. just ask a potential beau where he went to school and you'll know how many times a week you gotta romp in the sheets to make him happy. good stuff.

worst online dating messages, volume 1

It's been just about a month since I started my adventure in the online dating world.  as expected, the quality of men has not been great since okcupid is equally accessible to everyone (aka free).  I haven't had much time to actively seek out my soul mate, but I have received a number of messages which have provided for quality entertainment these last few weeks.

so for your reading pleasure, I present a sampling of the worst okcupid messages I've received to date.

MARCH 20: trying too hard to match my interests.  ALL of them. 

So you an expert on flute, but not one on memory? It happens... so what type of business do you do?

[chaitea: wtf?! talk about non sequitur]

Like you, I am here to meet new people and see where it can go. I do P90x, so that counts for active doesn't it? But right, I'm resting after a night of P90x, so that's vegging. I don't play tennis well, but I have a racket and can play with you if needed. It's up to you to determine if I'm nerdy enough, funny, and interesting as it's all subjective.

[chaitea: in my profile I say I want to meet someone with an active lifestyle (bonus points for tennis) who also knows how to veg out.  even if you didn't know that this message is awkward as shit]

MARCH 28: just plain freaking creepy
I'd like to make you laugh so I could hear you.

APRIL 8: taking the joke a liiittle too far 

I like suns too. Although I keep my distance. One time a sun tried to hug me, but not wanting to burst into flames I told it to stay away. Our relationship has been strained ever since. I hope you don't get BURNED as I have. (Sorry, couldn't resist :-/)
[chaitea: you really should have]

the good news is, yes I have been on a date from this thing, and it went fine.  the guy was normal, the date was normal, the chemistry level was... normal.  the only thing I gained was a new dealbreaker: just say no to the male cartilage piercing.

maybe I should just dump online dating and meet guys at sports basement instead.

can't wait to read the hilarity that comes in next

benchmarking

today's topic of debate: "what qualifies as a slut?"

clearly, a bit of benchmarking is in order to understand when you surpass the "average" number of partners and start crossing the line into slut-dom.

one quick google search later, I've got articles, research papers, and some sex institute all offering up their definition of what's slutty. and then I found this nifty little invention: the Average Number Of Sexual Partners Calculator. lol. well, better to know sooner rather than later, that's for sure - and if you're too lazy to calculate, the average number of partners for US women is 6.6.

but really...is it just me or does that number seem incredibly low? the calculator doesn't account for city, and I would bet that the average is way higher in San Francisco, which consistently ranks within the top 10 of "best cities for singles". clearly all those small hick towns where people marry their high school sweethearts are lowering the bar for everyone else's slut criteria. and I'm not the only one who thinks the academic research is confounded, these other 20-somethings also beg to differ.