coffee chat

it's been so long since I've had a real crush. the sense of giddy "can't stop thinking about it" feeling reminds me of school girls doodling names on notebooks. thanks to a side project, my office crush - let's call him Folgers since he's an all american coffee guy - and I see each other almost every day. the strange thing is that I can't completely put my finger on why I like him, yet I can totally see myself with him. in fact, the very first time we met, I was much more interested in another guy in the group and didn't give Folgers a second thought. but like i said, my favorite thing about meeting people is that in that moment, there's no way to tell what role they are going to play in your life.

I've heard people say that men and women can't be friends unless there was some initial attraction one way or the other. not sure if I completely believe that... to me, evaluating guys is a lot like shopping. there's a huge inventory that I hate and would never consider wearing, there's a small handful of items that I absolutely must have, then everything else falls into a grey area that warrants trying on.

with guys, for those that don't fall into the majority "just friends" category immediately, it takes me a while to decide where they fall. the grey area is like a no-man's land, with both parties trying to assess the situation and simultaneously wondering what the other is thinking. just this weekend I hung out with someone who has been in the grey area for a while - we get dinner and hang out alone, we play tennis, we text. after some time, he's finally fallen across the threshold into the friend zone since he's not quite compelling enough (pros: tall, works at a cool start up. cons: pale, not funny). I'm not sure whether he's placed me in a category yet, so now I'm walking on eggshells trying to be his friend, but worried that I'm leading him on.

all this to say - it might be a similarly long journey before I can see where Folgers falls despite my gut wanting to put him into the "absolutely must have" category. so far - pros: manly, great sense of humor, smells nice, hardworking; cons: not thaat cute.  for a girl who lacks patience, it's going to be difficult to play this right.

chai heart coffee

fresh meat

today I felt so gross and uninspired in my outfit. normally i wouldn't give two shits but then I remembered we just got a whole bunch of new analysts... i guess it's partly my cougar instincts kicking in but more so my desire not to get shown up by pretty younger girls in the office. ha ha.

and I have a new office crush! pretty exciting. we'll see if anything happens before I go out of the country though.  this wouldn't be the first time I've been associated with someone at the office (or the second..or third...or...good thing it's a big office).

love letters of great men

carrie is to big as chai tea is to earl grey. we talk about how happy we were then and somehow it makes us more happy now.  i guess i'll never stop loving him, and him me.

i wonder if that's normal for two people who aren't together and know that it's not right to be together...

choose your own [real life] adventure

the passing of time has always been elusive to me – I can never remember whether it was spring or fall, whether I was 18 or 23, whether it was last weekend or three months ago. what my life lacks is markers – something to measure not just the passage of small increments of time, but to denote segments of my life.  some people use seasons (what’s that? it’s 65 degrees in SF every day), others use sporting events (despite my love of tennis I still can’t tell you when the US Open is versus Wimbledon), and the lucky ones get to measure life in semesters and vacations.

I guess what I use are boys…seasons of love, if you will. but I'm starting to realize that putting so much emphasis on boys has really been detracting from time that should be spent on...me. 

here’s the deal. 2011 has been a tumultuous year – I’ve never felt so lost yet had so many options in front of me…my quarter life crisis has been like a choose your own adventure book where every choice is difficult because there is so much on the line. boys have been the distracting options thrown in to delay making any real decision that contributes to progress. 

just imagine:  

it stormed like crazy last night and a giant tree has fallen over, blocking your passage to the golden city where david beckham lives, unicorns exist, and you love your job.  going around the tree is not an option for some reason you will never know, but you can:

1. Dig a tunnel under the tree (7 days)
2. Chop your way through the freaking tree (4.5 days, but you need to make an axe somehow…)
3. Make out with the hot guy traveling with you (as long as you want)
4. Have an orgy with some hot body contestants who live in the tree (well, how much stamina do you have??)

obvious choice here  - 4.  haha just joking. but you get the point. it’s time to stop screwing around and get myself back on track. 

who knew the real life version would be so much scarier?