digital dating...?

hm. this is going to sound a little weird but just take it as an indication that we really do live in a digital age... I can't figure out - am I "dating" charlie chaplin?

no, I haven't seen him since halloween, and we still refer to our friends at that party by their costumes when we talk to each other ("I'm going to mexico with matt, the stop sign") but he texts me regularly and calls me 'darling' on gchat. he sends me random emails and asked me to escort him to a restaurant opening last week. and even though we're friends on facebook, I know next to nothing about him - not to mention that I still have my doubts about his sexuality. what is going on?  I'm responding to him because he is a constant source of entertainment, but it feels a little strange. at the end of the day we are really just strangers, and I'm not gen Y enough to be in a virtual relationship.

I'm sure one of these days I will see him again face to face. at that point I think one of two things will happen:

1. we will be drunk and I will go home with him  
2. we will be sober and I will realize he's not straight.  haha. 

in fact, next weekend seems like the perfect opportunity to sort this all out.  I'm hosting a get together at a swanky SOMA bar, and it should be a low pressure event where I won't have to give him my full attention.  but it will also mean that a lot of worlds will be colliding -- aka past flames and hot joes in one room...oh i forgot, story of my life.

the original was a man of few words...mine is a man of few appearances

joke of the day

breaking news. apparently today's joke from charlie chaplin is:  why don't nuns wear bras?

when is this corny harrassment going to end?

coffee prophecy

halloween weekend came and went with plenty of alcohol and crazy homemade costumes, but not much to report on the boy front - except that I met a very tall, dapper, secret-weapon concealing charlie chaplin with a questionable sexuality.  he has been texting me bad jokes all week like "the skeleton wanted to go to the party but had no BODY to go with" and "what do you call a cow in an earthquake?"  I'm starting to think that my suspicions are confirmed.

in other news, the coffee prophecy came true. Folgers and I finally broke the tension in an off-work rendezvous. it was actually one of those situations where imagined that I wanted something to happen before it did, but when the moment came I realized I didn't REALLY want anything to happen, so it was all quite awkward and rude.  I also found out he is the third adopted guy that I have hung out with this year...I swear there must be something about adopted guys having weird insecurities...

anyways, now the witty banter has completely died between me and Folgers.  isn't it funny how once you attain the unattainable, it loses all of its allure?

but don't worry, I have a new crush, and as always, I think he is nicer than the last. we've gone out for a few drinks but I'm not ready to let my guard down.  after all, I'd rather keep the allure going for as long as possible. oh, and did I mention he lives in Seattle? it's like a built-in firewall for bad decisions.

sizzle? more like fizzle.

tabula rasa

i'm proud to say: no more douchebags in the vicinity.

it feels weird.

recon, baby.

FINALLY some excitement and gossip to brighten up the week!  I had my friend do some recon at work and got the full scoop out of Folgers about how he feels about me.  I know in my last post I had said he was incredibly obnoxious and immature, but apparently there is a method to his madness.....

I have been wondering for a while whether there was something there or if it was purely one sided. usually I can get a pretty good read on guys, but with him it's mixed messages all around.  last week we actually spent some time in a really romantic spot overlooking the gorgeous SF skyline and golden gate bridge from treasure island - but it wasn't romantic AT ALL.  he was talking about past relationships and telling me things that were completely TMI - definitely not things you would tell a girl you were interested in.  

this week, people at work started calling us out - Folgers' male manager apparently made a really inappropriate joke about me today...groan.  but luckily with people talking, it gave my friend the perfect excuse to poke and prod, and she found out that: 

he thinks I am "hot, smart, and fun, everything he is looking for", BUT he "doesn't want anything serious, and being in a casual relationship with a co-worker would be messy". also, he was "horny and wanted to make a move at treasure island because the timing seemed perfect", but he apparently has turned over some new leaf where he is able to exercise self control blah blah blah. so him talking to me constantly about other girls - like how he just slept with an ex before he moved here, or about how this girl is likely to jump his bones this weekend - is his way of sabotaging himself into making me not want to date him. wtf?! 

this brings me to the big question that I always end up with: why do I always get the guys who don't want to be serious?  I know all guys are commitment phobes and it's true that I often end up with cocky assholes (Folgers is one of the nicer ones), but this has happened enough times that I'm definitely starting to think it's me.  

one hunch - I'm too independent.  I have a friend who plays the "damsel in distress" card and she finds herself dating multiple men at her beck and call who would happily commit themselves...so she just lets them drag along and do her bidding... 

another hunch - it's unfortunate when guys put you into the "hot" bucket over the cute, pretty, or beautiful bucket.  hot just means they want to objectify and violate you.  the other buckets are much more likely to yield some respect.  

other than that, I'm out of ideas.  I don't think I've given off any "come hither" vibes - if anything I've been sending off mixed signals left and right because one day I think he's an adorable goofball, the next day I think he's an obnoxious pervert. still, I think it's only a matter of time before something happens...I've never been very good at fighting off attraction...

seems that the underlying proposal is always the same

pinching myself

I just got back from Africa. no, actually I got back over a week ago, but I think I've been in denial. it's been hard reconciling this reality with that reality, knowing that both exist.

contributing to the sense of fantasy: one romantic night spent walking the beaches of Zanzibar, one of the most gorgeous places in the world. throw a really cute Zanzibarian boy into the mix...how surreal it is to be walking under the moonlight, holding hands with a stranger, wishing that this night could last a little longer knowing that we might not get tomorrow...

after we parted I thought about how simple life could be. this boy thought in the short hours that he knew me, that I was the one he had been waiting for, said he would miss me dearly and that age was just a number (he was two years younger...seeing a trend?) - to me he was nothing more than an exciting twist to my vacation. more than once I've thought about sending him a letter, but I don't think I could handle merging reality with fantasy.

and yes, reality is finally setting in.

reality check #1: the Folgers verdict has unfolded more quickly than I expected.  add to that list of Cons: foot-in-mouth syndrome, obnoxious and immature once he gets to know you, smokes, and probably has ADD. neeext.

reality check #2: admist the zillions of daily coupon emails, I found this little gem from Breve today: "i was serious about wanting to stay friends, do you want to get lunch?" first, I don't need any pity friendship. second, I don't even know how to be friends with Breve since we never had a friendly relationship in the first place - only a flirtatious one. I am imagining myself talking to him like a friend right now and it's just awkward.

so the email sits in my inbox, and every time I see his name I flinch a little. what to do....on one hand I don't want to blow him off since he's being nice, on the other hand I would rather not subject myself to torture...hmm.

oh zanzibar, oh zanzibar

coffee chat

it's been so long since I've had a real crush. the sense of giddy "can't stop thinking about it" feeling reminds me of school girls doodling names on notebooks. thanks to a side project, my office crush - let's call him Folgers since he's an all american coffee guy - and I see each other almost every day. the strange thing is that I can't completely put my finger on why I like him, yet I can totally see myself with him. in fact, the very first time we met, I was much more interested in another guy in the group and didn't give Folgers a second thought. but like i said, my favorite thing about meeting people is that in that moment, there's no way to tell what role they are going to play in your life.

I've heard people say that men and women can't be friends unless there was some initial attraction one way or the other. not sure if I completely believe that... to me, evaluating guys is a lot like shopping. there's a huge inventory that I hate and would never consider wearing, there's a small handful of items that I absolutely must have, then everything else falls into a grey area that warrants trying on.

with guys, for those that don't fall into the majority "just friends" category immediately, it takes me a while to decide where they fall. the grey area is like a no-man's land, with both parties trying to assess the situation and simultaneously wondering what the other is thinking. just this weekend I hung out with someone who has been in the grey area for a while - we get dinner and hang out alone, we play tennis, we text. after some time, he's finally fallen across the threshold into the friend zone since he's not quite compelling enough (pros: tall, works at a cool start up. cons: pale, not funny). I'm not sure whether he's placed me in a category yet, so now I'm walking on eggshells trying to be his friend, but worried that I'm leading him on.

all this to say - it might be a similarly long journey before I can see where Folgers falls despite my gut wanting to put him into the "absolutely must have" category. so far - pros: manly, great sense of humor, smells nice, hardworking; cons: not thaat cute.  for a girl who lacks patience, it's going to be difficult to play this right.

chai heart coffee

fresh meat

today I felt so gross and uninspired in my outfit. normally i wouldn't give two shits but then I remembered we just got a whole bunch of new analysts... i guess it's partly my cougar instincts kicking in but more so my desire not to get shown up by pretty younger girls in the office. ha ha.

and I have a new office crush! pretty exciting. we'll see if anything happens before I go out of the country though.  this wouldn't be the first time I've been associated with someone at the office (or the second..or third...or...good thing it's a big office).

love letters of great men

carrie is to big as chai tea is to earl grey. we talk about how happy we were then and somehow it makes us more happy now.  i guess i'll never stop loving him, and him me.

i wonder if that's normal for two people who aren't together and know that it's not right to be together...

choose your own [real life] adventure

the passing of time has always been elusive to me – I can never remember whether it was spring or fall, whether I was 18 or 23, whether it was last weekend or three months ago. what my life lacks is markers – something to measure not just the passage of small increments of time, but to denote segments of my life.  some people use seasons (what’s that? it’s 65 degrees in SF every day), others use sporting events (despite my love of tennis I still can’t tell you when the US Open is versus Wimbledon), and the lucky ones get to measure life in semesters and vacations.

I guess what I use are boys…seasons of love, if you will. but I'm starting to realize that putting so much emphasis on boys has really been detracting from time that should be spent on...me. 

here’s the deal. 2011 has been a tumultuous year – I’ve never felt so lost yet had so many options in front of me…my quarter life crisis has been like a choose your own adventure book where every choice is difficult because there is so much on the line. boys have been the distracting options thrown in to delay making any real decision that contributes to progress. 

just imagine:  

it stormed like crazy last night and a giant tree has fallen over, blocking your passage to the golden city where david beckham lives, unicorns exist, and you love your job.  going around the tree is not an option for some reason you will never know, but you can:

1. Dig a tunnel under the tree (7 days)
2. Chop your way through the freaking tree (4.5 days, but you need to make an axe somehow…)
3. Make out with the hot guy traveling with you (as long as you want)
4. Have an orgy with some hot body contestants who live in the tree (well, how much stamina do you have??)

obvious choice here  - 4.  haha just joking. but you get the point. it’s time to stop screwing around and get myself back on track. 

who knew the real life version would be so much scarier?